Where Shadows Breathe (Part IV)

 

Hey, everyone! 

Part IV is finally here! 

It might not be exactly what you expected but this is the version I first envisioned for the story and so I decided to go with it. (*shrug)

Thank you for sticking around and for all your support... it really means a lot that there’s still some traffic here. I really hope you don’t mind me taking the chapter in a slightly different direction. 

Love always... 🩵

Part IV

February 19, 2039

Rotherfield, England

 

I woke up to a weak winter sun sneaking past the curtains and judging by the light coming in it had to be noon, maybe even later.

Figures.

I had gone to bed at God knows what hour, my stomach hurting bad all night and now here I was again...  same story, same pain.

“Jesus fucking Christ...” I groaned, pressing my hand over my belly.

Every damn morning lately.

I reached for the bottle of that pink chalky crap I had been drinking in excess for months now and I unscrewed it, then took a long swallow and winced as it went down.

Blah...

I set it back down on the nightstand and just laid there for a second, my eyes half-closed, hoping the stuff would kick in before I had to move.

But as I tried to breathe slowly through the pain, knowing it could help a little, I felt something else in there too...  not just the familiar cramps. Something was off.

It had already started last night, this weird restlessness I just couldn’t shake and maybe that’s why I hadn’t been able to fall asleep no matter how much I tossed around.

Anyway... getting up was an operation. 

Every muscle protested, my knees popped like old wood and that pain in my gut flared up so bad I had to stop halfway to the bathroom and lean on the wall, breathing through my teeth.

I looked at myself in the mirror on the wall... the robe I had been wearing for three days straight and my hair sticking out like a haystack.

Great. Seventy going on ninety.

I shuffled into the bathroom, did my business, brushed my teeth, then tried to tame my hair into something that didn’t make me look electrocuted and slathered on some face cream that probably expired around the same time as TikTok.

And yet, the unease still didn’t go away.

I walked downstairs slowly and very carefully, gripping the rail because my hip had been acting up again and as soon as I hit the bottom step, the dogs ran to me and started jumping around, barking and whining.

“Yeah, yeah, I see you... Good morning to you too...” I said, bending down to scratch behind their ears and they wagged their tails until I opened the front door and the blast of cold hit them.

Fresh snow. My favorite...

Both dogs froze, though, looking up at me like I was crazy but I didn’t care, gave them a little nudge with my foot and shut the door behind them quickly.

Then I headed to the kitchen where I filled the kettle and leaned on the counter while it heated, rubbing my stomach.

The pain came in waves now, sharper than it had been yesterday and I had to bend over for a second just to breathe through it.

“Son of a bitch...” I hissed, pressing my fist against my side.

It was worse today.

Way worse.

And that was saying something because last week I thought I had already hit the ceiling.

I forced myself upright when the kettle started to whistle and poured the water into my chipped old mug over a spoonful of ground coffee. Then, just as I was about to take a sip, I heard footsteps behind me.

“Mom!”

And I jumped so hard I almost spilled the hot coffee on my hand.

“Jesus Christ, Ben!” I turned, clutching the mug. “Don’t sneak up on your old mother like that, are you trying to give me a goddamn heart attack?”

He laughed and walked over to kiss my cheek.

“Sorry. You were zoned out. I let the dogs back in...” He said, setting something on the kitchen island. “Well, those two barking icicles, that is.”

“Little drama queens...” I muttered but then noticed the box he had put down. A medium-sized cardboard package, a bit scuffed, no return logo. “What’s that?”

“Beats me... Found it on the porch...” He said, shrugging. “You ordering weird junk again, Mom?”

I snorted.

“If I did, I sure as hell don’t remember it.” I walked over, squinting at the label. Goddammit, my eyes. “Where the hell did I put my glasses?” I mumbled again, leaning closer. The letters were rather small and smudged and I couldn’t make out a damn thing while behind me, Ben kept talking and rummaging in the cupboard.

“Anyway, I just popped by to grab my guitar I left here. Gotta run, I promised Harper I’d babysit little Aaron. She needs to run errands or something.”

I chuckled. “I thought aunt Finley was the only one that puts up with the little monster.”

“Yeah, well, Finley just got back from Costa Rica last night, remember? She’s too jet-lagged to function, let alone babysit so I volunteered. I figured I can handle a few hours of screaming, tantrums and sticky fingers in my eyes and ears. And Diana is going to join me in the misery after she’s done with work so it’s all good.” He smiled at me, already half turned toward the door. “We still on for family dinner tonight, though, right? Riley’s place... I’ll pick you up around seven?”

I might have nodded absentmindedly or reacted in some other way but I wasn’t really listening anymore. I have found my glasses and my eyes had finally caught the handwriting on that label and I couldn’t focus on anything else anymore... It might have been unrecognizable to anyone else but not me... I knew... I fucking knew...

“Mom? You listening?”

I blinked, my throat dry. “Huh? Yeah. Dinner. Seven. I got it.”

He gave me a look. “Hmm, alright. You’re gonna be okay here?”

“Duh. Go. Babysit the little demon. Give him a big kiss from grandma. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, love you...” He said, walking back to me and leaning down to kiss my cheek again.

“Love you too.” 

He patted the dogs quickly and then he was gone, the front door closing behind him and I looked down at the box again, my heart suddenly beating way too fast for how old I was...

“Damn it...” I whispered. “What the fuck? Why... why now?”

I ran my fingers over the label again. The letters were looser and slanted slightly to the side but I still very well knew it was him.

The pain in my stomach flared again and I grabbed the edge of the counter to steady myself.

Maybe that was it... That weird uneasiness.. Maybe that’s why I had been feeling off since last night, like my body somehow knew before my brain did.

But what did it even know??

I grabbed a small kitchen knife and started slicing the tape open carefully and when the cardboard peeled away and I leaned in, the faint smell hit me before I even saw what was inside.

Oh my fucking God.

Him...

Even after all these years, his scent, no matter how subtle and elusive, could still make me dizzy and make my head spin. I gasped but didn’t move and just stood there, staring down into the box, my heart pounding against my ribcage.

Inside, there was an envelope with my name written across it lying right on top of all the stuff.

Lisa Marie.

And I took the letter out and slid a nail under the envelope flap, the paper resisting just enough to make my pulse kick harder. The sound of tearing paper was absurdly loud in the quiet room and I unfolded the letter one edge at a time, my chest tight, my heartbeat hammering in my ears. The words blurred for a second before I blinked hard and squinted to read.

Lise,

if you’re reading this, it means my time’s finally running out. You know how I always hated the idea of being old? Well, turns out I was right. It’s a cruel, graceless thing. My days have narrowed down to pain and memories... and a lot of those memories are you, girl.

I have so many beautiful ones of us and believe me, they’ve kept me going all these past years I had spent away from you...

There’s so many...

You curling up in my arms like that was your favorite place and the sound of your sighs that followed after I started humming into your hair.

I’ve never forgotten all our mornings when you buried your face in my chest and mumbled that you didn’t want to get up yet, or those nights when we stayed up talking about nothing and everything.

Your fingers tracing lazy circles on my hand while some old movie played in the background and the way you’d drift off mid-sentence after I’d worn you out completely loving you right all night long.

Thank you for all of it, my love. I would live those days a thousand times if I could.

I’m so sorry for what I did, princess. I hope that now, after all these years, you finally understand...

 

I couldn’t even finish the sentence before I had to stop and I swallowed hard closing my eyes again and biting down on my lip until it hurt, my own memories taking me back those three decades ago...

 

 

I had woken up in his arms, his room cold again but somehow not cold at all because Michael was there with me this time.

His chest was pressed against my back and I smiled and just listened to his breathing for a minute, then turned a little, just enough to see his face. He stirred, one arm tightening around me automatically as I let out a low sigh...

God, I was sore...

Every little muscle, every single inch of me hurt like hell but it was the best kind of sore.

We had gone at it like lunatics, making love over and over like two people who somehow knew time was running out.

After that first time that left us both crying in each other’s arms, he had gotten up and disappeared into the bathroom...

I heard the water running and when he appeared again, he walked back over to the bed and pulled me in, carrying me into the bathroom while I kept kissing his cheeks and neck, making him shiver against me.

“If you keep doing that, I’m going to drop you...”

“You wouldn’t dare... And just so you know I’m just testing your strength, is all.”

“You’re testing my sanity.” He groaned and held me a little tighter and I chuckled against his hot skin.

“Do you really want me to stop?”

“Absolutely not...”

I smiled and kept kissing him, soft little nips between breaths, until we reached the bathroom and he set me down gently. Steam was already curling up around us, blurring the edges of everything while his hands found my face and then his mouth was on mine again. The kiss was slow and tender, enough to make my knees weak and we stayed like that, lost in each other, until the mirror fogged and the bath filled. Only then did he pull back, his thumb tracing along my jaw in a quiet, lingering touch.

“Get in, princess...” He said as he turned off the water and I did as I was told, the water hot enough to sting at first but feeling oh so heavenly just a few seconds later. Then I looked up at him...

“There’s enough room for both of us, you know.”

He smiled at me before joining me quickly and I sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest while Michael wrapped his arms around me, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“It’s so damn strange, feeling this happy after all this time.” He whispered and kissed my earlobe. “You don’t know how many times I dreamed about this, about you, about us... Together, just like this.”

I turned my head a little, which wasn’t easy with the way we were sitting and bit my lip.

“Me too...” I nodded. “But, Mike... what... what about...”

He cut me off before I could finish.

“Don’t, baby. Please. Don’t start that now.” He brushed his hand over mine, the water rippling softly, clearly very aware of the dark place my mind was taking me. “Just... stay here with me. Right now. That’s all I ever wanted.”

And so I did... because he was right and because pretending everything was okay felt easier than facing the truth.

I let myself melt back into him, feeling his heartbeat against my spine, the water lapping around us and we stayed like that, barely talking though it didn’t take long before somehow, one thing led to another...

It just always did with us, after all.

I don’t even know who moved first. Maybe him, maybe me, didn’t really matter but suddenly I was straddling him, the water splashing over the sides, our mouths finding each other again. His hands were everywhere while I sank down on him, rocking my hips against him, kissing him and moaning desperately against his lips.

When it was over, we stayed there for a while, until he finally stood up and helped me out, wrapping me in a towel and kissing my shoulder gently.

Later, we made dinner together... or more like he did while I stood around pretending to be useful.

He decided on some tagliatelle with a creamy mushroom thing that he said he was saving for a special occasion and when he let me try a bit, I had to admit he really knew what he was doing.

We opened a bottle of wine and ate in the dining room, smiling at each other across the table every time our eyes met while playing foosies under the table.

We didn’t talk much. We didn’t have to.

I was just happy... safe, warm and loved and it hit me how damn long it had been since I had felt anything close to that.

But... we all know that that’s not how life works, right? Especially mine and his...

Three days of all that... three days of pure bliss consisting of long walks, passionate sex, all kinds of kisses and the soul-stirring closeness before came the fourth morning. We got distracted halfway through loading the dishwasher right after breakfast, him pinning me gently against the counter, laughing into my neck when my phone rang.

I gave him one quick kiss and walked over to get it...

Sarah.

Shit...

But just as I was about to answer, he appeared in front of me and kissed me fully again, then whispered to take my time and that he would be in his office leaving me a little breathless there.

I needed another second to calm my heart down before I could answer that loud and annoying device that oh so brutally ruined my perfect morning.

“Hey, Sarah...” I let out and cleared my throat quickly to sound somewhat sane and normal.

“Darling, I hope you’re doing well wherever you are. I’m even willing to let it slide that I never heard from you, though you promised to call.”

“Yeah, I know, shit.” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry but I just... like I said, I just needed to cut out the whole world for a bit. Be... be alone.”

“Sure. Right... Whoever you’re alone with, my dear.” She said chuckling. “Anyway. I’m flying to Saudi Arabia first thing in the morning and I thought you should know, because... Well, you know how the bloodthirsty media gets and they might be all over it, so if I’m still your bloody alibi, you might want to start heading back home.”

“Fuck...” I said under my breath. I had totally forgotten about my lie and pretty much everything else happening outside Michael’s new home.  “Oh, okay... thanks, Sarah. Really. Thanks for telling me. I... I will...”

“So you’re really not going to tell me where you are? Or with whom for that matter?”

“Told you. I needed some time alone. It’s the honest truth.”

Yeah, right...

“Okay, okay.” She said, clearly not buying it at all. “I won’t pry. Just make sure you get home in one piece.”

We chatted a bit more before we said goodbye and I hung up, closing my eyes...

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

I turned and started walking down the hall to where Michael’s office was and once I got there, I slowly opened the door. He looked up just as I walked in, his glasses sliding down his nose a little.

“So?” He asked, pushing some papers aside. “What did she want?”

I sighed, walked over but before I could even answer, he moved a little and leaned back in his chair patting his thigh.

“Come here.”

I sat in his lap, my legs draped over his and he wrapped one arm around my waist, the other hand coming up to cup my cheek. I could feel his heartbeat against me and I had to close my eyes to fight the tears building up...

“I’m gonna have to go home...” I said lowly and I felt him stiffen underneath me...

Later that day, I packed all my shit into the car, slammed the trunk shut and leaned against it for a second, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

Goddammit...

I wasn’t sure if I was even strong enough to go back inside but I knew I had to. I couldn’t just drive away without that one last kiss, the one that would hopefully keep me alive until... I didn’t even know when.

When I walked back in, I found him standing in the middle of the hallway, his hands shoved into his pockets, his eyes red, clearly trying to look composed and completely failing at it.

I wasn’t much better, though.

I started toward him and he cupped my cheeks the second I got close enough, his thumbs brushing my skin. Then he leaned down and kissed me one last time and there was so much in it that my knees damn near gave out.

We didn’t need to say anything anymore because our mouths were saying everything we couldn’t get past our throats.

“This isn’t goodbye... right? I’ll see you again?” I whispered the second he pulled back and to my utter shock I felt him freeze. Just for a split second but I fucking felt it.

I took a deep breath, willing my nervous system to calm down...

“Hey...” I spoke again, my voice breaking as I grabbed his shirt, forcing him to look at me. “Don’t do that. Don’t look at me like it’s the end.”

He sighed and bit his lower lip. “You’ll see me again...” He said finally. “I promise.”

“Swear?”

“Yeah.”

I didn’t really believe him but I nodded and tried hard to smile through the tears building up in my eyes.

“Can I call you?” I asked but he shook his head immediately.

“No. Too dangerous. I need to keep everything low for a while. You... you gotta understand, Lisa.” He swallowed with difficulty and looked down at his feet. “I’ll reach you when it’s safe, alright? Might take a few months.”

A few months...

My stomach twisted and I forced another feeble smile. “Yeah. Sure. A few months.”

We kissed again, longer this time, neither of us able to stop but then it was him who finally pulled back taking my hand and walking me slowly to my car and I followed, unable to bring myself to say anything. I was scared that if I did, I would start crying and never stop.

I looked at him one last time, then reached for the door handle but he caught my wrist and pulled me back against him, wrapping both arms around me so tight it almost hurt.

He pressed his face into my hair, his breath warm on my neck. “I love you...” He said quietly. “So much... please, never forget it... please.”

I wanted to say it back but the words stuck somewhere in my chest and all I could do was hold him, feeling his heart racing against mine, knowing it was the last time for a long, long while if not forever.

Then he let go and just stepped back, nodded once and whispered... “Go before I won’t let you.”

And so I did.

The drive was a blur.

I don’t even remember most of it, just some flashes like empty highways, gas stations and awful lot of crying until I couldn’t see straight and had to pull over to scream or hit the steering wheel.

Nine fucking hours of it.

I kept replaying everything in my head, every word, every look, every touch, every second and nothing made it easier.

But making it back home? Well, that was pure hell.

I walked in and found Lockwood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with that easy smile of his, looking actually delighted to see me.

I was shocked.

“Hey, you!” He said cheerfully. “Welcome home.”

“Yeah, thanks...” I said, setting my bag down. “Sarah’s leaving for Saudi Arabia so we had to cut it short.” The lie came out so smooth it scared me a little but he just nodded, not asking any more questions.

“Well, I’m glad you’re home. I missed you so much, babe...” He smiled, walking over and kissing my cheek and it felt so off and foreign that I had to close my eyes not to start crying all over again. “Girls are asleep and I think you should get some rest too. You look wiped.”

I forced a smile, told him I would and went straight to the shower where I stood for almost an hour just staring at the tiles, trying not to break down again.

And as expected, over the next few days, things started slipping fast.

I couldn’t focus on anything and couldn’t stop checking my phone every other minute even though I knew there would be no phone call for quite some time.

And Lockwood started noticing... of course. The staring off into space, the daydreaming, the fake smiles, the whole nine yards.

“You okay?” He asked one night while I was once again zoning out, this time at the dinner table.

“Yeah...” I said automatically. “Just tired.”

He watched me for a second, his eyes narrowing at me. “You’ve been tired a lot lately.”

“Yeah, well, life’s exhausting...” I said with a weak laugh and he just rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, that must be it...”

And just like that we started snapping at each other more and more... stupid things, dishes, plans, work, everything... Every argument ended with him walking off and me staring at the door, feeling like I had built my own cage. I wanted out... And I was waiting for that damn call, the one that could set me free though I knew it wouldn’t fix shit in my fucked up life... quite the opposite.

Three weeks later, we flew to Memphis for a short getaway, opening one part of the exposition at Graceland but the whole thing felt more staged than ever before.

We smiled for the cameras and shared polite small talk with and in front of people but behind closed doors we barely looked at each other. And everyone around us could feel it too, of course. After all, you just can’t fake chemistry when it’s gone.

And then it all blew up one night at a rooftop bar. We had too many drinks or maybe only I did, when Lockwood leaned across the table, his eyes hard and cold.

“You’ve been somewhere else since the day you got back... You promised me we would work on the marriage and just like usual, you lied, Lisa.” He growled at me angrily. “If there’s something you wanna tell me, now’s the time.”

“Oh for fuck's sake, Lockwood, not... not this again.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I... This so isn’t the place.” I hissed and took another sip of my Old Fashioned. “Drop it.”

“You think I’m stupid?”

That made me laugh for some reason and I did just that, though perhaps a little too loud. “No, but you sure as hell act like it sometimes.”

And that did it.

He pushed his chair back, his face tight with anger.

“You know what? Fuck this! And fuck you! I know you, Lisa and I know that look. Same one you had when you were fucking him behind my back! But he's dead now, so who’s the lucky bastard this time, huh?”

I don’t know what came out of my mouth after his accusation but it was dumb and loud and full of F-bombs and of course some asshole around decided it was a good idea to sell the story... shitty photos and all.

The media ate it all up.

Photos, headlines, you name it, though I didn’t even bother reading it, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was checking my phone and waiting for the call I had been dying for.

And then, two months later, it came.

I was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, watching something mindless on TV, when my phone buzzed on the coffee table.

Unknown number.

I swear my heart stopped.

“Hello?”

“Mr Silverstein is ready to see you.” I didn’t know the voice, it wasn’t him but I knew exactly where to find this mysterious Mr Silverstein and how to get there.

Perfect timing too, I thought. Lockwood had taken the girls to California to visit his parents and wouldn’t be back for at least a week.

No alibis needed this time.

No lies.

I barely slept that night and packed a small bag before sunrise, then jumped on the first flight to Inverness where I rented a car and headed his way.

The road started to look familiar long before I was ready for it to and by the time I reached the old gate with that busted-up intercom, I was gripping the steering wheel so tight my hands felt numb.

Last time I had sat there, my stomach had been twisted in knots wondering if this Malcolm guy would even let me in but this time, I knew exactly who was waiting behind that gate and I also knew I would be let in no questions asked.

I pressed the button and said my name and before I could even pull my finger back, the gate buzzed open.

I smiled and drove up the winding road and then there he was, finally, standing at the top of the steps in front of the house, his hands in his pockets, watching my car roll in.

The sight of him nearly took me out.

I barely remember killing the engine before I jumped out, slamming the door and running up the path. The second I reached him, I threw my arms around him and he caught me gasping and holding on tight.

I buried my face in his neck inhaling his scent while I felt his hands caressing my back but there was something off there. I could feel it right away, some kind of a tiny bit of distance in between us that had not been there the last time we saw each other.

“I missed you.” I mumbled against his chest, my voice shaking like crazy. “Shit, I missed you so much I thought I’d lose my damn mind.”

He kissed the top of my head.

“I missed you too...”

But even that sounded careful and I swallowed hard... Maybe I was just reading too much into it.

He pulled back first, brushing his thumb across my cheek, then motioned toward the door. “Come on. Let’s get inside. It’s cold.”

I followed him in but my eyes immediately started darting around, checking if anyone else was there because I needed more of my drug and I needed it now!

The house was quiet and when I made sure it was just the two of us, something in me snapped and I just grabbed him and kissed him hard, all that pent-up shit spilling out at once.

I needed him more than I needed air.

My hands were everywhere, over his chest and his shoulders, then yanking at the buttons on his shirt until they started to give. I quickly pulled the fabric free from his pants before I pressed myself against him again while he made a sound against my mouth but to my utter shock, it wasn’t the one I wanted to hear.

“Lise, slow down..” He mumbled, his hands coming up to catch my wrists. “You just got here. Let’s...”

“Let’s what?” I said, releasing my hands from his grip before I quickly started fumbling with his belt. “Fuck? I’d love to, believe me!”

He laughed but I could tell it was strained. “Lisa, seriously. I was going to make us dinner. You... you need to eat something.”

What the hell? Who cared about food now?

“No, I don’t... I’m not hungry... Not for food anyway...” I said, already dragging out the zipper on his slacks but he caught my wrists again, firmer this time.

“Whoa, Lisa, for real... stop.” His tone changed right then and my eyes flew up to his. For a second I didn’t really know what to do and so I stepped back, my eyes narrowing.

“So what, you don’t want me anymore?” I said, trying to laugh it off but it came out oh so broken. “Or you replaced me already and just invited me here to spring the news on me? Three months was plenty, huh? Smooth.”

His eyes widened. “No! Christ, Lisa, no, it’s not that.”

“Sure fucking sounds like that.”

He reached for me but I jerked away.

“I just wanted to do this right...” He said quickly but something was telling me he was lying. “Sit down, have dinner, talk...”

“Yeah, talk...” I said, crossing my arms. “Then by all means go ahead and talk...”

“Lisa, please...”

“Whatever...” I cut him off doing my best to look indifferent but probably failing terribly. “You know what? I’d rather have a drink than your stupid dinner.”

His eyes narrowed but then I saw his shoulders drop and the fight just seemed to drain out of him.

“Alright...” He said finally, reaching out and running his hand down my arm slowly and somewhat carefully. “How about both? Let me make you something, okay? Please. It’s... it’s important to me.”

I could feel the act.

The old Michael would have had me bent over the nearest table by now, fucking me hard from behind and making me forget my own name but... but clearly this was a different version of him and I had to roll with the punches now.

“Fine...” I said, rolling my eyes and yanking my hand away from him. “Do whatever the fuck you want.”

I stomped off toward the dining room, getting lost twice in those endless hallways before finally finding it while I heard him following me quietly, not saying a word when I realized I was headed in the wrong direction and had to turn.

I sat down at the table, crossing my arms as he disappeared but a few minutes later he came back in, carrying two plates of something that smelled good enough to piss me off even more.

Some kind of seared salmon with roasted vegetables and lemon sauce.

Damn him...

He set the plates down, giving me this hopeful look before he sat opposite me.

We ate in silence.

In all fairness, Michael tried talking at first, asking about the kids, about my trip to Memphis and for crying out loud even about my mother.

But I just sat there grunting and giving short, useless answers until he finally gave up and after that, the only sounds were forks against plates and my pulse in my damn ears.

When we were done, he gathered the dishes without a single word and disappeared for a minute and I didn’t move and just sat there, fuming, staring at the table and wondering why the hell I had come all this way if this was how it was going to go.

“Come on...” He said as he came back and led me into the library where he poured two glasses of whiskey, handed me one and I noticed his hands were shaking a little.

“Lisa...” He started and had to clear his throat before he could go on. “We... I... I need to tell you something.”

Oh, fuck, there it was. I was not getting any good news tonight.

“I invited you here because... because I need to tell you something important.”

The way he said it made my stomach drop and I put the glass down on the table before folding my hands in my lap so he wouldn’t see how bad they were shaking.

But of course, he noticed and took a deep breath, then darted his eyes away from my hands to the floor instead.

“I have to leave.”

The words hung there for a second before I managed to react.

“Say that again?”

“I have to leave...” He repeated, slower this time. “It’s not safe here anymore. I can’t stay.”

I stared at him. “Where... where are you going?”

“Unfortunately... I can’t tell you that.”

“What?” I said, laughing in disbelief. “You’re joking, right?”

“I’m not, Lisa.”

“Why the hell not?”

“No one can know... It’s...”

“Bullshit!” I exclaimed and jumped to my feet, my whole body buzzing with adrenaline now. “Someone’s gonna know! You just don’t want me to know!! Why’s that, huh? You think I’ll run my mouth? You think I’ll rat you out?”

He stood too, his hands raised as if approaching a startled animal. “Lisa, come on... that’s not what I said.”

“Oh sure...” I snapped. “Because I’ve always been such a liability, right? Fuck-up Lisa, always ruining everything, always screwing up your perfect fucking life.”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, my life’s so fucking perfect. You hit that nail right on the head.”

“Then what?” I shot back. “You think I’d follow you around like some lost puppy if you told me? Newsflash, I’m married, Michael. I don’t need you.”

The second I said it, I wished I could take it back. It was so pathetic... I had been a willing accomplice in whatever the hell we had and my marriage was nothing compared to everything he had ever made me feel. But the worst part was the way he didn’t fight it.

I watched him as he just swallowed hard, his lips pressed tight and then he nodded softly. “My point exactly, Lisa.” He said quietly and I just stood there, staring at him like he had slapped me across the face.

I wanted to scream, to shake him, to make him take it back but all I managed was a shaky...

“You’re unbelievable.”

He sighed at that, rubbing the back of his neck, looking about a hundred years older than ten minutes ago.

“Lise, don’t... please.”

“Don’t what?” I snapped, my voice louder than I meant it to be. “Don’t lose my shit because you’re dumping me again? Don’t take it personally that you’re pushing me out of your fucking life like it’s nothing? Again??”

He tried to say something but I didn’t let him.

“You think I don’t see what you’re doing? Playing the victim so you don’t feel guilty?”

“Jesus, Lisa... For the love of...”

“No, fuck you, Michael!” I cut him off, my hands shaking so bad I had to grab the back of the armchair just to steady myself. “You don’t think I deserve some honesty?! After everything??”

He slammed his hand on the table, hard enough to make me jump. “Shut up! For fuck’s sake just shut up and listen!! I love you! I love you so much that I...”

“Then why the fuck are you doing this?” I shouted back.

“Because you deserve so much more than this, Lisa Marie...”

“Oh, come on! You’re acting like I’m a charity case you need to cut loose for my own good! Well, guess what, Michael? That’s not your decision!”

“You don’t understand, I can’t...”

“Don’t you dare say you can’t. You just won’t. There’s a difference.”

“Christ, Lisa, listen to yourself!” He said, stepping toward me. “You have a life. You have kids. And you have a husband who, despite everything, probably still gives a damn about you. You think I wanna be the reason that all goes to shit?”

“It’s already gone to shit!” I screamed and grabbed my glass from the table before throwing it across the room. It shattered against the wall, whiskey splashing everywhere and Michael turned halfway, his eyebrows raised in shock, then finally faced me again with his mouth slightly agape. “You think you’re protecting me, but newsflash... you’re not! You’re just fucking hurting me all over again.” I finished and turned away from him for a second just to catch my breath. “You think I flew across goddamn Britain just to get another fucking lecture about morals?” I growled and turned back to face him. “No! I came here because I fucking love you, you idiot!”

He took a step toward me then, his hands up as if he was worried I was going to murder him right there. “Lisa, stop. Please... I mean it, please don’t...”

“Oh, don’t you dare play the calm one now!” I barked, tears already running down my face. “Don’t stand there acting like you’re the sane one in this, like you’re the one who’s got it all figured out because you fucking don’t!”

My hand shot back toward the bottle of bourbon on the table ready to chuck that one too but he moved fast this time, crossing the room and grabbing my wrists before I could use the large bottle as a grenade.

“Look at me...” He muttered with a shaky voice.

“Let me go!” I tried to yank away but he held on. “Michael, I swear to God...”

“Lisa, stop!” He said louder this time. “Just stop, okay? Shit, you’re gonna end up hurting yourself.”

I kept struggling, hitting his chest, just little angry punches doing absolutely nothing because he had trapped my hands in his grip.

“You’re the only one hurting me!” I cried. “You fucking are! You think I can just go back and pretend none of this ever happened? Pretend you’re dead when you’re not?”

He took a deep breath, holding me still.

“I never wanted to hurt you...” He said quietly. “And... and that’s the whole point, Lise. You don’t get it, do you? If we keep this up, it’s gonna destroy everything. You, your kids, your marriage, your whole damn life. And I can’t be the reason for that.”

“It’s not your call! You don’t get to decide my fate!”

“I’m not deciding anything...” He said and his voice broke on the last word. “I’m trying to save what’s left. You think I don’t want you? You think this isn’t fucking killing me?”

“Then don’t do it, Mike! Please, don’t do this!”

“I have to...” He said so sadly it nearly knocked the wind out of me and the silence that followed was brutal.

He let go of my wrists slowly and stepped back.

“I have nothing to offer you, Lisa. Nothing. I can’t give you a home and I can’t give you a life. I can’t even give you my goddamn name. Not anymore... If you stayed with me, you would lose everything that matters.”

I shook my head, backing away as well. “You’re full of shit. You’re scared, that’s all. You’re scared and you’re hiding behind this fucking noble bullshit because it’s easier than admitting you’re too much of a coward to fight for me.”

He winced. “There’s no fight left... I’m dead, Lisa.”

I put my hand to my mouth as more tears started running freely down my cheeks and I knew there was no point in trying to stop them anymore.

“I love you...” He said after a long pause. “I love you more than you’ll ever know but that’s exactly why I need to let you go. We already had our chance, princess and... and I fucked it up. And now... all I can offer you is a life in complete hiding or a life where you wait to come see me every few months until the day someone really finds me and I’ll have to disappear for good.”

“So what if that’s all we get?!” I sobbed. “You think I care? You think I wouldn’t give everything just to have a few days with you every now and then? Geez, Michael, I don’t need perfect, I just need you.”

“Lisa, it’s impossible. I can’t let anyone know. Ever. I can’t let this leak. Your kids can’t know and you’d have to lie every single day of your life and I could never ask that from you. I’ve been living like that and it’s hell. Believe me, it’s fucking hell. I’d rather die for real than put you through this.”

I wiped the tears with the back of my hand before looking into his eyes again. “Then what’s left?”

He hesitated for a second and I could see the tears in his eyes too.

“You living your life the best way you can, Lise. Far away from me...”

My knees almost gave out and I covered my mouth with my hand, shaking my head and turning away from him again.

“No...” I whispered. “No, I don’t want that... I can’t do this. I just can’t.”

I heard him move toward me slowly and when he reached me, he wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me tight against his chest.

This time I didn’t even fight him and I just broke down completely, ugly sobs tearing out of me until I couldn’t breathe.

He rested his chin on my shoulder, his lips brushing the side of my neck...

“You deserve so much more, princess. Believe me, if there was a way, I’d do it. I’d move mountains for you. I swear I would.. But that’s not an option anymore.”

I turned in his arms, clutching his shirt in my fists before I buried my face in his chest crying and I knew he was crying too. I could feel all the small tremors running through him and heard all the low, desperate sounds he tried so hard to swallow.

We ended up making love that night after all and if I had thought that the first time, after finding him when I was sure he was gone for good, was intense, then I had no idea what kind of fire we still had in us.

It was desperate and messy, both of us hanging by a thread and both of us knowing the thread was about to snap. We couldn’t keep our hands still, kissing one second and gasping the next, clothes flying, buttons popping...

In all fairness, he did try to stop it.

Several times...

“Lisa, we can’t...” He mumbled into my neck, his voice shaking, his hands still gripping my hips pressing me against him. “It’s just gonna hurt worse later. We shouldn’t... We...”

But I didn’t care.

I still had him now, his flesh and blood and heartbeat under my palms and I wasn’t giving that up for some logical bullshit about pain.

I could handle pain... I was the queen of pain.

He kept looking at me like he wanted to say something else, something that would save us from the heartbreak waiting just around the corner but when I pressed my lips to his, my tongue sneaking its way into his mouth, tasting him and teasing him, humming against him and telling him how gorgeous he was, whatever argument he had died right there.

I could still feel him holding back at first, even as he was kissing me, moaning into my mouth desperately but when I slid my hand down and touched him through his jeans, he tensed and then groaned low in his throat and I knew the fight was gone.

Michael dropped his head back, cursing under his breath and that was it. He was done fighting me right there and then everything got crazy very fast, like a storm we couldn’t stop even if we tried.

We stumbled through the room, bumping into furniture, half-blind from kissing too hard while our clothes hit the floor wherever they landed one piece after another and all I could think was that I needed him close enough to forget what the goddamn goodbye was going to feel like.

The next thing I knew, I was on his lap, straddling him on one of the armchairs, his hands gripping my waist and the sound he made when I sank down on him was a beautiful mix of pleasure and heartbreak and relief all tangled up into one guttural sound that went straight through me.

I knew I would never forget how he sounded... Never.

We moved together completely in sync, our eyes locked the whole damn time. His eyes shone and I had a hard time keeping my tears from falling too because I knew that no matter how many stolen moments we had gathered over the years, our time together was coming to an end.

I ended up staying for another four days, using every single second with him I could steal before Lockwood flew back in.

Michael and I had agreed without even saying it out loud that we would take those four days and turn them into something that would stay burned in our memories forever.

We barely slept.

We were terrified of wasting even one moment, afraid that closing our eyes would make us lose precious minutes and so we spent our days and nights making love anywhere in the damn, eerie house... on the couch in one of the living rooms, in the kitchen, in his cluttered office or even outside under the porch light. And when we weren’t all sweaty and gasping each other’s names, we were talking, even laughing a little or just cuddling like we were trying to convince the universe it couldn’t take this away from us again.

But it could and I knew it.

Sometimes we just lay there whispering about everything we had been too stubborn or too scared to say before while he traced lazy lines down my arm. I told him I never stopped loving him for even one second since the very first day we met and never would and he just smiled that broken smile I was getting too used to...

“Same here, princess. Been yours since day one.”

In the morning I would always sit on the kitchen counter watching him while he made breakfast and every now and then he would let the scrambled eggs to their fate and just grab my face and kiss me so hard I would forget everything else beside him.

In the afternoons we would usually walk through the woods behind his house, hand in hand, pretending everything was normal and we weren’t on borrowed time... Sometimes he would start chasing me until we were both out of breath, falling into the wet, muddy grass and kissing like there was no tomorrow.

We never stopped telling each other how much we loved each other. It became a rhythm and I would bask in it, unable to get enough of hearing him say those three words.

But then the most dreaded morning came and I had to leave.

I thought I had known heartbreak before.

God knows I had had my share of pain but aside the awful summer of 1977, nothing really compared to that goddamn morning.

I woke up in his arms and instantly felt that sharp, choking pain in my chest because I knew this was it.

The end.

He was awake, too, I could feel it but when I turned toward him, he didn’t say anything and just kissed me quietly.

We made love one last time and this time neither of us tried to hide the tears anymore. Our passionate moans mixed with our heartbroken sobs as he fucked me ever so gently and I kept thinking I would trade my soul to the devil himself if it meant I could stay in that bed with him for just one more day.

But... I couldn’t.

When it was over, he just held me, his fingers combing through my hair like he used to do so many times before, his breath warm against my shoulder, both of us crying quietly.

Later I finally got up to leave but couldn’t even look him in the eye. I packed in silence, still hoping he would stop me, hoping for a miracle that deep down I knew wouldn’t come. And then, when I finally walked out the door later it felt like someone tore out my heart out of my chest, stomped it into the ground and set it on fire for good measure.

Michael followed me outside and stood there on the driveway with his shoulders slouched, just watching after our very last kiss as I climbed into my car.

I couldn’t breathe as I drove away.

Every mile felt like another knife twisting deeper and every two minutes, I was ready to flip a bitch, turn around and drive straight back to him.

But I knew I couldn’t.

It was over, no matter how much I wanted to pretend otherwise....

 

 

I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear dropped onto my thumb, the one holding the letter, and I jerked, wiping it away fast before it could ruin the paper. That letter was sacred, the only thing left that still connected me to him.

I gasped as I felt my chest tightening painfully. Somewhere along the line, all those years ago, I had shoved all the memories of our last days together into a dark corner of my mind and tried to move on with my life. But seeing his handwriting now and reading his words, smelling that faint trace of his scent still clinging to the paper, seemed to fuck up with my head more than I thought it ever could.

All that pain I thought I had buried came rushing back, burning me alive and for the first time in years, I didn’t try to stop it and just let it hurt.

I had walked away, sure, but a big chunk of my heart had stayed there, in that goddamn driveway, as I watched him fade in the rearview mirror...

I took a deep breath and my eyes focused back on the letter where I stopped before all the memories had come rushing in...

 

...I hope that now, after all these years, you finally understand why I did it.

I only ever wanted what was best for you, for you to live your life fully and to chase everything you ever dreamed of and as much as it broke me to admit it, I knew I wasn’t the one who could give you that anymore.

I had my chance with you and I lost it and, believe me, I’ve blamed myself for that every single day since.

You can’t imagine those first days after we said our final goodbye, Lisa... I barely made it through them. I spent nights staring at the ceiling, crying and I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and just laid there, day after day, replaying every moment, wondering if there was some other way... but there wasn’t. I had to let you go.

And yet, you were still with me, Lise, all those years... Every day. In my head, in my heart, in my dreams, everywhere. I kept writing you letters and cards... on your birthday, at Christmas, whenever something small happened in my dull life, I would sit down and write. It was one of the few things that kept me sane, I think.

I never sent them, everybody kept telling me it was too risky but now, none of that matters anymore and you’ll find all of them in the box. Every letter, every card, every piece of me I could never give you in person. There are some old keepsakes too... your satin scarf you left here or my red shirt you loved wearing when it was just us and that Polaroid we took before you left for good. There’s a lot of it and I thought you should have those things.

You were, and always will be, the love of my life and even though we never had that happy ending I had always been dreaming of, I was lucky, you know. Lucky to have met you, to have lived those moments with you, to have known what real love feels like, even if it didn’t last the way we wanted it to. For that, I’ve been grateful every single day of my life and will be for what’s left.

I’ve watched you from afar all these years and it’s been my greatest comfort. Seeing you raising your beautiful kids, making such great music and publishing your brilliant book... I am so proud of you. And that chapter you dedicated to me? God, I must have read it a thousand times if not more. You made me feel alive again, even from miles away and even when you didn’t know it.

It’s time for me to let go now. But I know that when the time is right, we’ll find each other again and this time I won’t blow my chance with you.

I’ll be waiting for you, princess, take your time.

Love,

M.

 

 

When I got to the last lines, I realized my breath was hitching like I had just run a mile uphill, which was a ridiculous concept given how old I was.

I couldn’t believe it, couldn't believe he had really reached out after all these years. It was so surreal. Every word in the letter he wrote somehow stung and soothed at the same time and for a moment it was like he was there with me again, sitting across from me, those beautiful eyes of his laughing at me like they had so many times in the past.

I had never forgotten them.

Never.

But then it hit me... What was it about time running out and about letting go? Was he sick? Dying? Was this his way of saying goodbye?

I set the letter down carefully, my fingers still trembling and reached for the box. It was heavier than I expected and I took out some photos first, a whole pile of them, yellowed and curling at the edges. Us, a million years ago, young, smiling, laughing... Him kissing my cheek in one and me hugging him tight in the next.

I kept pulling out more things, watching them closely, holding them and inhaling them, trying to catch even a hint of that familiar scent of him but at some point, my phone rang and I paused, frowning, the photo of us on the carousel still in my hand. Slowly, I put it down and walked over to answer.

“Hello?”

“Lisa?”

“Yes, speaking... who is it?”

“It’s Prince... is... is it a bad time?”

Fuck... there was no way all of this was a coincidence... couldn’t be. It was weird, hearing from him, I hadn’t heard from Michael’s kids in decades, not connected to them in any shape or form.

“No, no...” I said and sat down at the table, my legs tired from standing too long, my stomach twisting painfully again. “It’s... not a bad time. I can talk.”

There was a pause on the other end before he spoke again. “It’s... hard for me to tell you, but... he... he died last night.”

I froze and had to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths before I could think again. Though Prince didn’t even say his name, probably still being careful, there was no doubt in my mind who he was referring to...

“How?” I whispered.

“Peacefully... in his sleep.”

“Was... he... was he alone?”

“No, no... we were there with him.”

A strange relief washed over me.

Thank God he wasn’t alone.

That was all that mattered, all the years of loneliness, pain and betrayal suddenly balanced by the thought that he was surrounded by his children at the very end. We talked a little more but it was very clear Prince was still being very cautious and so soon we said goodbye and I hung up.

I sank back into my chair, taking a moment to breathe through it all.

My gut had been right all along.

As usual...

It wasn’t just the box or the letter, it was him, reaching out, saying goodbye using the unbreakable connection we always had.

I closed my eyes and let myself breathe through the pain curling deep both in my stomach and my heart, the tears still wet on my cheeks.

It was all good.

Somehow I felt there was something else my gut was trying to tell me, something I couldn’t name, like a quiet warning threaded with inevitability, something whispering that it wouldn’t be long before we met again.

And I smiled because this time, I would be ready...

 

 

 

THE END