Where Shadows Breathe (Part III)

 Part III

 

I woke up slowly and for a second, I could not figure out where the hell I was. I took a deep breath, blinking and trying to look around.

I was sprawled out on some tufted couch with a heavy blanket wrapped around me and when my eyes finally focused, I realized I was in a big living room surrounded by what looked like high-end antiques, tall bookshelves, framed paintings and huge plants in the corners of the room.

But the most important ‘thing’ was sitting right next to me, leaning in close and whispering something I couldn’t really make out first.

Michael.

Fucking hell, it was really him!

He looked exactly like himself and also not at all like himself and my brain could not reconcile the man in front of me with the ghost I had been grieving for months.

He was alive! And he was here and his arm was draped along the back of the couch while he watched me, his eyes filled with worry.

I moved before I could think, trying to sit up but his hand was there instantly, firm against my shoulder, pressing me back down.

“Easy...” He said softly, his voice hitting me hard, deepening the shock of seeing him again. “Don’t sit up too fast. You scared the hell outta me, fainting like that.”

I stared at him and my heart was hammering so hard I felt dizzy all over again.

His palm was warm through the blanket and for a second that alone was enough to knock the breath out of me.

“You’re... you’re not dead!” I blurted out. “You’re not fucking dead! What the actual fuck, Michael?! What the hell did you...”

He chuckled lightly but his eyes stayed glued to mine as his hand slid up gently, his fingers threading through my hair now and his thumb tracing along my hairline.

“Well...” He said, his mouth twitching into the barest smile. “Depends how you look at it. You nearly gave me a heart attack fainting like that, so...”

“Don’t be clever.” I said and then tried again, slower this time, and finally managed to sit up.

The room swayed for a second and my vision went a bit watery but I stayed upright, clutching the blanket around me.

That was when I noticed I was still shivering, my body shaking, the freezing hours in my car and the shock of seeing him bleeding into each other. Michael’s hands were on my arms now, steadying me, probably expecting me to keel over once again.

“Michael...” I started again but all the words in my head came tumbling out at once, a flood I could not control even if I wanted to or tried to. “How... I mean, what the hell... how could you? How did you pull this off? And, and... why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have... wouldn’t have ratted you out... You know me... I... I...”

“Lise, Lise...” He said softly and smiled, stopping me gently before I could spit out another word, moving his hand and pressing his index finger lightly against my lips. “Later, princess...” He mumbled and my chest actually ached at the sound of that old nickname though I would never admit it. “I will tell you everything, I promise. But you’re still freezing and I’m not explaining a thing until you’re warm and I get some food in you. When was the last time you ate? You look about two seconds from passing out on me again and I am not doing this twice in one night.”

“I am fine...” I insisted stubbornly, even though I could not feel my fingers and my stomach was twisting with hunger I had been ignoring for over twenty or so hours now.

“Sure you are...” He said dryly and I scowled at him for that but there was no fight left in me and he knew it.

He pushed the blanket off my shoulders and stood, then reached for me and when his hands caught mine gently and he helped me to my feet, I couldn’t help but drown in his eyes... His face was so close I could smell him, that familiar mix of mint and red wine and cinnamon and something purely him that had been haunting me for decades now. It was dizzying, dragging me right back to every night we had ever spent together, every memory I had shoved so deep I thought they were gone for good.

I cleared my throat and pulled one hand from his so I could reach up and brush my fingers along his jaw.

“I would never have believed a beard would suit you, but holy shit, it fucking does, Mike.”

“Thank you.” He smiled at me softly and then he caught my hand again, lifting it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles like he was trying to make me cry on the spot. “You look like you just walked out of my dreams, Lisa Marie.”

I had no comeback for that and Michael still had my hand in his as he led me slowly out of the living room, through a wide hallway and into a dining room with dark wood furniture, a long table with white doilies and a vase of flowers in the center and massive paintings filling the walls.

“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll warm up something for you...” He said but I shook my head.

“I... um, I need... can I use the bathroom first?”

He gave me another smile, nodded and pointed toward a hallway to the left.

“Second door on the right, okay?”

I nodded back and made my way down the hall, my legs heavy and sluggish, my brain struggling to keep up with the insane reality.

He was alive, fucking alive!! And he was here, standing in the next room like nothing had happened, warming up some leftovers for me like my whole world had not shattered months ago.

I was either dreaming or having a psychotic break and part of me half-expected to wake up behind the wheel of my car, slumped over in some ditch on the side of the road.

The bathroom was just as massive as the rest of the house and I stood there staring at myself in the mirror after I washed my hands.

The reflection looking back at me was... rough... Nine hours on the road showed and I had eyeliner smudged under one eye and hair sticking up at weird angles.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tame it, then wiped at the makeup smears... Not that it helped much.

Great, just how I wanted to look when the man I thought was dead decided to waltz back into my life.

Anyway, I would eat and I would defrost... But then... damn, then Michael would have to tell me everything! I fucking needed answers and I needed them fast.

When I came back, he was already at the table, waiting for me with a plate of what looked like herb-roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, roasted carrots, a slice of fresh bread and a bottle of sparkling water.

“Come on...” He said, smiling just a little as he gestured toward the chair he had pulled out for me.

I moved closer and sank into the chair while he pushed me in, then sat across from me like this was just a normal Thursday night dinner.

“Wow...” I muttered, eyeing the plate in front of me. “This looks... amazing. How much do you pay your personal chef? Because I might need their number.”

He chuckled and shook his head.

“No personal chef, Lise... Can’t afford strangers around here. The fewer people who know about me, the better. Made it myself.”

I raised my brows at him. “You’re fucking kidding me.”

He laughed again and then leaned back in his chair, still watching me carefully. “Nope... Being all alone with too much time on my hands will do that to a guy, you know.”

I looked down at the plate and then back up at him. “And... and the bread?”

“My starter's name is Walter...” He nodded with a smile. “And we’ve been the best of buds for a little over four months now.”

“Unfuckingbelievable.” I gasped, then grabbed a fork, finally digging in and when the first bite hit my tongue, I swear I almost died....

“God, this is... this is fucking amazing.” I mumbled around the fork before going in for another bite.

“I’m glad you like it.” He said softly but I did not answer and just shoveled in another forkful, then another. I only paused when I realized he was not eating.

“You’re not having any?”

He shook his head, still wearing that infuriatingly calm expression.

“Already ate. If I’d known you were coming, I would’ve waited.”

“Funny...” I grumbled, stabbing at a roasted carrot. “Can I at least get a glass of wine? Or whiskey. Yeah, whiskey would be even better.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lise. You faint, you drink water. Sorry.”

I frowned and narrowed my eyes at him but then quickly changed my strategy...

“Oh, come on, Michael...” I whined a little, throwing him a pout that had never failed me before but he just laughed and shook his head again.

“I’ll have you know your old tricks don’t work on me anymore, ma’am.”

“Whatever.” I grumbled, giving up for now and focused on eating again, my body thawing out inch by inch with every bite.

I did not even notice how fast I was shoveling food down until I caught him watching me again.

Once.

Twice.

Then, when I looked up the third time and his eyes were still on me, I froze mid-bite.

“Why are you staring? You’re making me feel weird.”

“Just... just can’t believe you’re here... Is all.” He replied quietly and I finally put down the fork, looking up into his eyes as well.

“You and me both, Michael.”

 

***

 

After dinner, I insisted on helping clear the table, carrying my plate into the kitchen like a big girl and he did not argue, though he hovered close like I might drop everything and pass out again.

Once the dishes were stacked, Michael glanced at me and tilted his head toward the hallway.

“Come with me...” He said and I followed him down the hall until we stepped into a room that actually made me gasp.

It was a library with dark wood shelves stuffed with hundreds and hundreds of books, a massive fireplace built into the far wall and two large leather armchairs draped with fur throws.

It was not identical to the library back at Neverland but it had that same warmth and that same feeling of safety that I always remembered loving so much.

“Sit down...” He said simply, gesturing to one of the armchairs. “Want me to grab you a blanket? How’re you feeling?”

I sank into the chair, mumbling something about being fine, while he crouched in front of the fireplace and started building a fire.

“No whiskey for you tonight but you still want that wine?” He asked without looking back and I just nodded when he finished and glanced over his shoulder at me. “Okay, I think you could handle one glass and... well, I take it you’re not driving back tonight...” He added and I gave another small nod because my throat seemed too tight for words.

He poured two glasses of red from a decanter on a side table and handed me one before settling into the chair across from me. The fire crackled to life and Michael raised his glass.

“Cheers...” He almost whispered. “Had I known faking my death would get you driving all the way across the country to have a glass of wine with me, I’d have done it ages ago.”

I rolled my eyes at him and we clinked glasses, our eyes locked while we both took slow sips.

Okay.

Enough small talk and enough tiptoeing.

I needed answers.

But before I could even open my mouth to start asking all the hundreds and hundreds of questions I needed the answers to, Michael actually set his glass down, leaned back and exhaled slowly.

“Okay, Lisa... Here goes...” He let out and pursed his lips. “I... I know you think this is all fucked up and I agree, it is... but, but... trust me, this wasn’t an easy decision... Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Definitely top three.” He let out a short, humorless laugh. “You see, when I was prepping for that damn tour... I... I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was sick all the time, in pain every damn day, barely sleeping and I kept saying... I kept telling them, I wasn’t ready, that I needed a break but... well, nobody cared. Nobody listened at all... At first, I didn’t get it. Why push me like that? If I collapsed onstage, they’d lose everything. But then I realized something... they didn’t care if I actually lived through it.” He paused for a second and looked down, then took a deep breath and continued. “They’d cash in either way... me performing and making them millions or me kicking the bucket and boosting sales afterward. They would simply milk my death like they actually ended up doing. Didn’t make a difference to them... That was their plan.” He rubbed a hand over his face, leaning forward now, his elbows on his knees. “I did my research and there was no clean way out. My debts were buried in contracts and they owned me... and... and so I started planning. There was no other way. If there’d been anything else I could’ve done, I swear to you I would’ve.” He glanced up and I could see the raw edge of tears in his gaze. “You know I would have, Lisa...” He paused, taking a deep breath before he went on again. “Um, well, anyway... I shifted everything I owed into the production company so none of it could touch the kids, then made sure every cent I’d make posthumously would go straight to them. And then... then I started looking for a place to disappear, somewhere no one would ever stumble across and for people I could trust with this. And then I went into cardiac arrest that day and well.... well, I think you know how it went from there.”

The tears came before I even realized and he gave me a sad smile that made it even worse.

“Don’t cry, Lise. Please.” He said softly. “I’m okay. Mostly. I promise.”

“And... and the kids?” I whispered.

“They know...” He said with a nod. “They come out every few months but we do everything to keep it super quiet, of course. I... I can’t let this leak. Ever.”

I let out a shaky breath, some strange mix of relief and pain rattling through me, choking me and I could see him studying me closely, his head tilting just a little.

“So... Your turn.” He said carefully. “How did you find me? And was...was it easy? Should I pack up and vanish again?”

I shook my head quickly.

“No. You don’t need to. It.. it wasn’t easy, Mike. Not at all. It... it sounds insane but... but I think it was our connection that got me here, so... I don’t really think anyone else would be able to find you. They’re... they’re not us.”

He swallowed, shaking his head. “No. They’re not.”

We sat there for hours and hours, talking and drinking wine while the fire popped and I told him everything too... About the dreams. About the curlew call. About waking up in the middle of the night convinced I felt him breathing and calling me. And about that pull I just could not shake, no matter how much I had tried.

 

***

I blinked hard and for a second I couldn’t even figure out where the hell I was.

The room was dark and so much colder than I expected, enough to make me pull the blanket up tighter around my shoulders.

The bed felt strange, the smell of the sheets unfamiliar and there wasn’t Lockwood’s snoring next to me, which kind of threw me for a loop.

Well, I sure as hell wasn’t home.

And then it hit me.

Holy fucking shit.

This whole crazy thing was not a damn dream!

I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to replay the last twenty or so hours in my head. First the awful, endless drive, then the gate, the intercom, the house, him.... The way I had fainted like an idiot, the dinner, the wine I could still taste on my tongue...

My head was spinning, though I couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or everything else that had happened earlier.

After Michael had told me everything about faking his death and I had told him about how I managed to find him, we had both gone quiet.

I had curled up in the armchair, hugging my knees and just staring at him. He looked strong and healthy, better than he had in a long time.

After years of running himself down, he seemed to be finally taking care again, thank god.

“Why’d you let me in?” I decided to ask as I lifted the glass of wine to my lips again. “You said the fewer people who knew you were alive, the better. And after your guy told me to get the fuck out, I... I almost did. I almost drove away. I would have never found out.”

“Hey...” He chuckled softly, though it sounded forced. “He didn’t phrase it like that I’m sure. Only the polite ones got the job.”

“He might as well have. That’s how it sounded to me anyway.”

Michael smiled faintly, shaking his head and letting out a long breath through his nose before leaning forward, his gaze fixed on the floor again.

“I don’t know... I... I heard voices...” He said after a long moment. “And I went to see who Aaron was talking to, and then... then I heard your voice through the intercom...” He paused again, swallowing hard. “God, Lisa, you don’t... you don’t even know what that did to me. I almost had him send you away, almost gestured to him to tell you to leave for real ... I swear to God, I was this close. But... but it was you, Lise. It was you and I don’t know... It’s  freezing cold out there and the nearest hotel’s an hour and a half away....” He stammered and finally looked up, his eyes finding mine. “I... I just couldn’t. I’d never forgive myself if I’d turned you away.” He paused again, watching me intensely now. “And... And I... shit, I have missed you so fucking much... You have no idea. I’m not even gonna lie. I had been thinking, over and over for the past eight months about what I would do to get one more day with you.”

The lump in my throat grew so fast I could barely swallow and I felt tears burning in my eyes. He looked so damn sad sitting there and all I wanted was to close that distance, hold his face in my hands and make him forget every nightmare we had ever been through... including this one.

Fuck it... you don’t find your dead ex husband alive every day, do you?

I pushed myself to my feet and saw his eyes following me, though he didn’t move, not even when I stopped right in front of him.

“I missed you too, Michael...” I whispered and leaned in closer. “You have no idea how much...”

There was no turning back now...

The kiss was light and hesitant, my lips brushing his while my hand cupped his cheek, but he didn’t respond right away and it crushed me a little.

A few seconds later, though, he did let out a low, broken sound in the back of his throat and that little moan gave me all the courage I needed to deepen the kiss, my fingers sliding into his hair.

He finally started kissing me back, just for a moment, but it was enough to make me dizzy, to make me gasp and to make me forget I had a husband waiting on me back home... But then, just as I thought about deepening the kiss even more and perhaps siting in his lap, he pulled away gently, his hands catching mine and lowering them into his lap. He held them there, his thumbs gently tracing over my knuckles, his head bowed and when he looked up at me a few seconds later, there was this unspoken sadness in his eyes again.

“We can’t do this...” He mumbled, his voice breaking on the last word. “Lise... God, girl... this is the last damn thing we should be doing. Don’t... don’t make it harder than it already is. Don’t make me fall any deeper, please.”

I blinked at him, caught somewhere between confusion and hurt, my heart thudding.

“Lisa...” He whispered again. “Don’t give me that look. Please, princess... you... you know I’m right. You’re married. And I’m... six feet under. If we keep this up, we’re screwed and you know it. We won’t be able to stop. Don’t... don’t make me want you more than I already do. Please... just, uh... damn it.”

His words, though incoherent and chaotic cut deeper than I was ready for and the air between us turned suffocating in a split second.

Michael let go of my hands and stood up slowly.

“You... you should get some sleep.” He said quietly, his mouth pulling into a sad, tired smile. “It’s late and I think you’ve had enough adventure for one night... Driving across the country in freezing weather, passing out, seeing a dead man. You really need to sleep on all this...”

I frowned, ready to argue that I wasn’t tired at all but his face told me he was done talking.

Shit...

“Sure, your call, whatever.” I snapped at him because what else was there left to do? My usual trick, just hiding the sting of him pushing me away behind sharp words and a mean glare.

He didn’t bite, though.

“Alright, good... You’ll sleep in my room, okay?” He grabbed my hand again letting my attitude slide without a word, making it obvious he wasn’t interested in any kind of conflict. “I’ll take the couch or just crash here.”

I opened my mouth to protest but he was faster, shaking his head.

“No, no... Stop.” He cut me off even before I managed to utter one word. “I’m really sorry about it... I’d offer you a guest room but I don’t heat the rest of the house since it’s just me and it’s like a damn icebox everywhere else.”

“I can take the couch...” 

“Not happening.” He said and was already walking toward the door, gently pulling me with him. “Come on.”

We moved through the house in silence and upstairs, Michael stopped at the last door in the hallway, pushing it open.

“Here...” He said, stepping aside so I could walk in first... And well, that’s how I ended up sleeping in a ginormous, cold, unfamiliar bed.

I coughed and tried pulling the blanket tighter around myself again even though it didn’t do shit to stop the cold creeping through the room.

My nose burned, my head felt stuffed full of cotton and I knew there was no way I was falling asleep again, not with the air feeling like it came straight out of a freezer.

I blinked over at the clock on the nightstand, trying to make the numbers out.

3:30 a.m.

Hmmm, fucking fantastic.

With a sigh, I pushed the blanket off and swung my legs out of bed, shivering hard. The floor was freezing against my feet until I grabbed a pair of Michael’s thick socks he had left for me in case I needed them. They were comically big, the tips dangling past my toes but at least they were warm.

I slipped out of the bedroom as quietly as I could and tiptoed down the hallway. The house was dark, silent and creepy and I turned left at the main staircase, gripping the banister so I wouldn’t break my neck in the dark, then crept down the stairs.

At the bottom, I turned right, walking through what felt like a maze of hallways, past closed doors and cold, empty sitting rooms, until I finally reached the heavy wooden door at the end.

I took a breath, then eased it open, wincing at the low groan of old hinges but warmth hit me like a soft punch the second I stepped inside.

Oh, heaven...

And then I saw him.

Michael was asleep on the floor in front of the fireplace, stretched out on a white fur rug, one heavy blanket under him and another thrown over him.

The fire had burned down to just a soft glow of embers but it was enough for me to be able to watch and admire him for a second.

He was lying on his side, one arm tucked under his head, breathing slowly and peacefully.

God, he was so damn beautiful and seeing him like this, finally asleep, not fighting whatever demons used to keep him awake night after night, made me smile and sigh with relief.

I slowly moved closer, afraid to wake him and then I crouched down, slid onto my knees and inched toward him until I could carefully lower myself onto the rug beside him.

He stirred as I nestled against him, mumbling something incoherently before he instinctively wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close and oh my fucking god, I swear I just melted into him like a puddle right that second.

My face pressed to his chest and I shut my eyes just inhaling him, his scent hitting me hard.

I never thought I would be able to feel him like this ever again... His warm body against me, his chest rising against my cheek, his breath warm on my skin and his heart pounding right by my ear.

But just as I felt myself slowly drifting off, he shifted and his chest rumbled beneath my cheek.

“Hey... What... what are you doing here? You okay?” He sounded confused and I tilted my head up, trying to look innocent, even though I wasn’t sure his eyes were even open.

“Your room’s freezing...” I whispered. “I couldn’t sleep. Thought maybe I’d.... I don’t know. Steal some of your heat.”

His brow furrowed like he was half-thinking about getting up and for a second I panicked.

I could already picture it... him sighing, telling me this was a bad idea and taking me back upstairs, then  finding some damn space heater, plugging it in and leaving me alone in that icebox of a bedroom again.

Seconds passed and I waited for him to start getting up but... he didn’t and instead, he just made a low sound, almost a groan and then tightened his arm around me, dragging me closer again.

I immediately buried my face back into his chest and smiled against his shirt, snuggling into him as he brushed his thumb along my arm.

Safe.

That’s what it was.

I finally felt safe enough to let go and before I knew it, I was asleep.

 

***

“Can you swim in it?” I asked.

“You could...” He said, glancing back at me over his shoulder, his breath fogging out in little bursts before disappearing into the cold. “But I won’t, thank you very much. It’s fucking freezing.”

I rolled my eyes and yanked my coat tighter like that would make the air any friendlier.

“So funny...” I shot back.

God, he was infuriating.

There was a part of me that honestly hated him for being this combination of funny and smart and ridiculously good-looking because all three at once made it pure hell to be near him and still keep up the whole polite-exes charade...

He had made it very clear any physical contact was pretty much off limits, which left me scrambling for the dumbest and totally made up reasons just to be able to touch him even a little.

Yeah, I was some kind of crazy...

It had already started at breakfast when I leaned across the table and told him he had a crumb on his lip just so I could get a little hit of my favorite drug.

The idea popped into my stupid head when I saw him munching on a piece of toast and I just couldn’t resist. I leaned in, swiping a finger over his lips to brush the nonexistent crumb off and our eyes snapped together. He looked at me, half terrified, half like he wanted to devour me and then just mumbled "thanks" right as I sat back down.

Pathetic but oh so worth it...

And so later, as we wandered through the endless woods on his property and he was showing me the quiet corners of this exile, I kept “fixing” all the invisible leaves in his hair and brushing dirt off his cheek, acting totally insane, like the junkie I was... high on him, on his scent, on the feel of his skin and it didn’t take long before he started eyeing me suspiciously.

Michael told me he came out here every day and that it was one of the few things keeping him sane but even surrounded by nothing but trees and silence, he was still cautious.

Sometimes he would limp on purpose, turning himself into some kind of hunchback and he always wore sunglasses and a fedora, just in case somebody jumped out from behind a tree and recognized him, blowing up everything he had built.

We cut through a grove of skinny oaks, then slid down a rocky path, cursing under our breaths every time we slipped, until finally we came out by the lake and just stood there quietly, staring at the gray water and the gray sky.

We didn’t speak though there were millions and millions of things I was dying to know but I just didn't dare poke the hornet’s nest.

I had already learned the hard way that asking Michael too many questions was basically like playing hopscotch in a minefield and I didn’t feel like losing any limbs.

“Thanks for showing me around...” I opted for a more safe approach as I turned toward him and caught the way his mouth twitched. “It’s... it’s beautiful here.”

He kept his eyes on the water. “Yeah... it is.”

“It’s just… I don’t know... Jesus, you’re... you’re so alone out here.”

That finally got him to look at me. “My name’s Michael. Malcolm, in some circumstances.” He grinned and I rolled my eyes. “And I’ve been alone my whole life, Lisa. I’m used to it so this is nothing new, really. You really don’t need to worry about me.”

He said it like it was no big deal but I could see it... the sadness that never quite left his eyes as well as the way his look didn’t match the words spilling out of his mouth. And every part of me wanted to grab him, pull him into my arms, kiss the hell out of him until he forgot about all the ghosts drowning him but... I didn’t.

I stepped back and gave him some space, putting a little air between us because I felt it was safer that way.

“I’m sorry it has to be like this...” I said softly but he shook his head, cutting me off before I could go further.

“Don’t be. It’s okay. I’m safe here. No more soul-sucking vultures trying to bleed me dry or treat me like I’m some goddamn ATM. It’s all good, I promise you.” He forced a smile and his eyes slid back toward the water. “I just… I miss my kids. And I feel like I failed them. That’s what kills me.”

I sucked in a breath picturing everything he had already missed and everything he would keep missing ... birthdays, scraped knees, bedtime stories, all the little ordinary miracles that made life worth the grind and unable to stop myself this time, I at least grabbed his hand, both of mine wrapping tight around his, forcing him to meet my eyes again.

“Michael. There was nothing else to do. You said that yourself...”

“I know, I know...” He said, nodding and trying to blink away the tears. “It’s just... they’re so little, Lise. And now they’re basically orphans. No mother and now no father either. I mean, I know that my mom’s incredible with them but ... but the damn guilt…” He broke off, shaking his head hard. “It’s eating me alive. Every goddamn day.”

The wind came tearing across the water, cutting into my face so sharp I thought my tears would freeze before they even fell and all I felt was this crushing mix of sadness and fury and heartbreak at all the people who had betrayed him... all the people who had failed to help him...

Including me...

“Mike...“ I let out but he just shook his head.

“I fucked up so bad, Lisa… Everything. All I ever wanted, deep down, was a family. Yeah, I wanted the career too, I am not gonna lie but... but deep down it was always about having a home. And that... happiness. And for... for years I just thought it would never happen. That it wasn’t meant to be... but then the universe stepped in, shook everything up and somehow made the impossible happen... You came into my life and I knew right away you were it...” He broke off, staring down at the ground for a second before dragging his eyes back up to me. “And what did I do?” He gave this little scoff and shook his head. “I fucked it all up... That’s what I did. I didn’t know how to be the man you deserved, didn’t have a clue how to handle marriage and all the things that came with it. Every time we fought I felt so fucking lost and anything I tried just made it worse. Shit, I... I really hated myself for not being the husband you needed. I saw you were unhappy, Lisa. I did. But I bolted instead of fixing it. And then... months later I stood there like a damn moron and... and watched you file for divorce before I let someone else give me kids when it... when it should’ve been you. That... that was my biggest regret. Until now. Now it’s my kids growing up without me because I fucked it all up.”

His voice cracked on the last part as tears shined in his eyes and I realized I was squeezing his hand so tight I might have cut off his blood circulation.

“Michael...” I said, my voice shaking just as badly as his. “You... you didn’t have a choice. Dammit, you said that yourself. They would’ve killed you!” I got out, breathing deep and quickly thinking about what to say next... Should I even touch the whole letting-me-go thing? Step on that mine? Oh, what the hell... He had the right to know. “And as for us… it wasn’t all black and white, you know. We... we both fucked up. I mean I, I... wasn’t some saint, Mike. I pushed you away plenty of times and I threw shit in your face every time we fought when... when I just should... should have listened. So... don’t do this to yourself. Please. I mean it. We’re.. we’re good.”

He swallowed hard, yanked his hand back and wiped his face like I hadn’t just watched him cry.

“I... I shouldn’t have brought it up... Sorry... it’s all in the past and I can’t change it no matter how much I want to. I’m just... I’m glad you made it, girl. I really am.” He said and his eyes found mine again. “You’ve got your beautiful little girls, and Riley and Ben. A proper family. And you deserve all of it.” He whispered those last few words so low I almost didn’t catch them and gave me this sad smile that felt like it cut me straight down the middle. “I just wish I had been man enough to make it work with you when I had the chance. To be the one for you... Life could have been so different if I’d tried harder.”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out at first... God, if he kept going on with this, I would just burst out crying and never stop.

“Mike... hey... It’s not... I mean...” I managed to stammer a minute later, shifting my weight from one foot to the other nervously. “Gosh, the kids are amazing but... as for making it... Fuck... I... I don't know. My... my marriage isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. Not at all.”

His eyebrows shot up and he kept his eyes locked on mine, studying me. “No?”

“No.”

But before I could say the one thing I really wanted to say... before I could tell him that no one else had ever made me feel the way he did and that no one else even came close, a sharp, eerie cry ripped through the air and made my head snap up.

“Shit, was that…? Is that?” I squinted into the gray nothing but there wasn’t a damn thing moving out there and when I turned back, Michael’s eyes were watching me like I was the only thing in the world. 

“Uh-huh. A curlew...” He said, nodding though it was very clear he couldn't care less about the bird now, his eyes suddenly dark and burning. 

“No... no fucking way...” I gasped, swallowing hard and looking up again before I drowned in his gaze. "I.. I just can’t believe it! You don’t understand! That damn bird led me to you, Mike!! I know it sounds insane but it did. I swear to God.”

He was quiet for a moment before I heard him clear his throat.

“No... Not insane at all. You said it yourself. We always had that connection, Lisa.”

Something shifted, I could feel it in the energy between us and I slowly turned back to him and watched him watching me. I saw the hunger in his eyes but this time he didn’t try adverting his gaze or hiding it anymore.

“Oh, damn, Lise...” He let out and licked his lips slowly. “Shit.. What the hell am I even... Jesus Christ...” He started mumbling incoherently, almost like he was losing a fight with himself, cursing under his breath one second and biting his lip the next and before I could even ask him what the hell he meant by all that, his hand was at the back of my neck, yanking me forward and his mouth crashed against mine.

The kiss slammed into me so hard it stole every bit of air from my lungs and I gasped into his mouth while he kissed me like a man starved.

What the actual fuck?! Mr. Always-Do-The-Right-Thing was finally giving in and doing the wrong thing?

My hands shot up on instinct, clutching fistfuls of his coat and dragging him closer even though there wasn’t an inch left between us because his arm was already locked around my waist and his other hand was buried so deep in my hair it almost hurt.

My lips parted without thinking and his tongue slid against mine, teasing me at first and brushing softly before licking deeper, then he pulled back just enough to nip at me making me whimper.

I couldn’t believe I had almost forgotten how good he was at this and how fast he could make me want him more than I had ever wanted anything in my fucking life.

The kisses were familiar but the scrape of his beard against my skin was new and so damn addictive I thought it might kill me right there. He bit down on my lip, just enough pain to make me whimper again and I clung to him harder, kissing back until my chest burned and my lungs screamed for air. Only then did he finally tear his mouth from mine and I dragged in a ragged breath though he still didn’t let me go. Not all the way anyway.

A low growl rumbled out of him and then his mouth was on my neck... kissing, sucking, licking while I gasped his name and tilted my head back letting him take whatever he wanted.

“Michael… shit… baby…” I moaned, clutching at his coat desperately and suddenly the freezing air didn’t mean shit anymore, because I was burning alive against him. “God, I missed this so much. I missed you so much.” I had more to say to him but my voice broke as he sucked harder at the base of my throat and my knees gave out for real this time but he caught me without missing a beat, tightening his grip on my waist and dragging me up against him, holding me close.

“Lise… Dammit... Don’t… Shit, just... just tell me to stop…” His whisper came shaky and torn even as his lips kept moving over my neck, kissing me. “Please, Lise… tell me this is wrong. Tell me.. tell me you don’t want this, tell me you don’t want me.”

My eyes snapped open, shock slicing through me.

Say what?!

Why the fuck would I tell him I didn’t want him when he had been the only damn thing in my head for eight months straight??

Michael pulled back just enough to look at me, his face so close I felt every one of his breaths on my skin and I could clearly see the conflict in his eyes mixed with some desperation, begging me to save him from himself and to end this madness we had crashed back into.

“Please…” He whispered again. “Lisa, tell me to stop. Tell me to let go… you gotta…”

I shook my head slowly, breathing hard, staring at him with my throat too tight for words until finally, like a miracle, my voice scraped out.

“No… no. Don’t do this, Mike… Please. Look at me, okay? This… this is us. You and me. Together... like we have always been meant to be. I found you after I thought I lost you for good and I’m not gonna fight what we’re both feeling right now." I said and held his face in my palms, making sure he was listening. "If... shit, if you really regret losing me before, if you were telling the truth, then don’t you fucking do it again... Don’t let me go!”

“Lisa...“ His eyes burned straight through me and then his mouth was back on mine, harder this time and I moaned into his mouth, drowning in him and kissing him back.

He had one hand locked at the back of my neck, the other wrapped around me, crushing me to him and before I even knew it we were moving toward the house.

How, I had no idea... Everything blurred... lips, teeth, breaths, his groans against my mouth mixing with my sobbing whispers of his name and it was a mess but I couldn’t remember the last time when I felt more alive.

Still outside, we stumbled forward, still kissing hard before he would break away, grab my hand and pull me along so fast I almost tripped, then spin me back into him just a bunch of hurried steps later, brushing his lips against mine for a heartbeat and diving back in. 

It was madness and it felt so fucking good and by the time we burst through the back door I had no idea if it had been locked or if Michael had just willed it open with sheer desperation.

The house was silent though his security was probably still around and I knew we needed to get upstairs fast before they saw us.

We tried to be quiet and subtle but failed miserably, groaning, crashing into doorframes and leaving a mess anyway... Boots kicked off, coats tossed wherever before Michael pressed me against the wall and kissed me again. We stumbled up the stairs, dragging each other, our mouths colliding every step, him pushing me back then pulling me forward like he couldn’t decide whether to devour me right there or actually make it to his room before we lost it completely.

We had had these crazy breathless moments before, tripping on steps and cracking up like idiots all the way to whatever room was closest but this moment was different.

There was no laughing now, just hunger, need, love and this ridiculously raw gratitude we were drowning in.

When we finally slammed through his bedroom door he shoved us in, still kissing me, kicking it shut hard enough to rattle the frame.

God, how I loved him like this.

His hands were everywhere, yanking at my scarf, ripping it loose and tossing it aside without looking while my fingers fumbled with his shirt buttons, shaking too badly to line them up.

After the third one refused to cooperate I stopped pretending to be delicate and grabbed both sides ripping it open, buttons flying across the room.

“Shit…” He growled desperately, his forehead against mine for a second just to take a breath, then kissing me again, his tongue pushing hard against mine. “I want you so bad, Lise… God, I can’t believe this is happening. I thought… fuck, I thought I’d never… see you again, get you back. You… you have no idea what you do to me, baby.” His voice cracked on every other word and I slid my mouth down to his neck, kissing and sucking while my hands ran over him, pressing my body into his and soaking up every little shiver I pulled out of him.

“Then believe it, baby… and just fucking take me. Take me now before you start overthinking and talk yourself out of it again.”

But there was no going back and we both knew it.

We started pulling at our clothes like maniacs, half tearing them, not caring where anything landed... my belt, his shirt, my sweater, all of it ended up somewhere in a heap on the floor while our mouths kept kissing hungrily through it all.

We had always had this down pat... from the very first time, through every week, month and year we spent dating, being married or cheating on other people, our bodies just knew exactly what to do...

Michael backed me toward the bed, his mouth sliding down my neck while his hands shoved up my top, his fingers brushing my sides and my stomach lightly but enough to make me shiver while I grabbed his hair with both hands and dragged him closer to me again.

He slammed his hips into mine, grabbed my ass and yanked me tight so I could feel every inch of him and I whimpered, moving against him as he groaned low in his throat, his breath breaking into ragged gasps hot on my skin.

God, it was just too much... I was shaking, moaning and fucking losing it and I couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t stop kissing him, licking his lips, tasting him...

His pants were gone in seconds and mine followed soon after and then he lifted me, tossed me onto the bed in one move and crawled over me until his whole body pinned me to the mattress.

“God, you’re driving me insane…” He mumbled against my lips before giving me one more deep, open-mouthed kiss and moving down to my chin, then to my neck and then even lower until his mouth closed around my nipple. He sucked slowly at first, teasing me and humming against me while I jerked beneath him but when he flicked his tongue over it, I almost lost my mind.

“Oh my fucking god…” I gasped, my head falling back, a loud moan ripping out of me as my body arched under him. He started switching between my breasts, licking, sucking and teasing until I was writhing like crazy, like I couldn’t find a single comfortable inch anywhere.

“God, Lise… you’re so fucking perfect. I… I can’t stop. Shit. You make me crazy. Can you feel how much I want you?”

I couldn’t answer, all the words ever created were useless now and I yanked at his underwear, pulling it down because I needed him and couldn’t wait another second. 

He stopped teasing my tits and kissed me deeply one more time before he took off my panties and slid in slowly, stretching me perfectly, inch by inch.

I gasped, my toes curling and my nails digging into his back as the most amazing mix of pain and pleasure hit and left me trembling in his arms. I had almost forgotten how this felt, how no one else had ever even come close. Michael had ruined me for anyone else a long time ago and there was no fixing that. That much I knew.

He paused and kissed me again softly, his tongue teasing mine, giving me a second to adjust to him.

“Shit, baby… are you okay?” He mumbled against my lips and I felt him tremble against me. “You’re so damn tight. Am I hurting you? Do… do you want me to stop?”

“No!” I shook my head frantically. “I’m… I’m okay...” I panted, kissing him rougher now and he smiled against my lips and started moving slowly though every thrust went a little deeper and a little harder.

His hands tangled in my hair for a few thrusts, then slid down to my breasts, then grabbed my ass as we moved together in perfect sync. He kissed me everywhere he could reach, holding me close as he moved with me and before long we were both gone, the room filling with all our sounds... my gasps, his groans and all the dirty words spilling out.

“Fuck, you feel so good. Shit. You’re mine, Lise, do you hear me? You’re mine…” He hissed, dragging my leg up over his arm and driving in deeper, making me cry out. “Tell me you’re mine. Please, baby, I need to hear it… I… I love you so much.”

“I love you, Michael… so much. Fuck me, please. I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. Don’t… don’t stop now, don’t ever stop… I’m yours forever.” I spat out in broken gasps and he trembled in my arms, his eyes shining.

It was too much, almost unbearable for both of us... all the passion and the love, the connection and the pleasure. Every touch and every kiss made it harder to breathe, harder to think, harder to stop and in a way making love felt like coming home after years lost in endless deserts and hostile, lonely ice fields.

We clung to each other, gasping, trembling, completely undone by how much we needed this, needed each other.

Him and me.

Us.

I felt the fire pooling deep in my belly, tighter with every thrust and I threw my head back, tightening every muscle and riding it higher and higher until it detonated inside me.

I clenched around him and started shaking uncontrollably, screaming his name while Michael held me through it all, watching me, kissing me and whispering how beautiful I looked as he helped me ride it out.

A few more thrusts and a few more deep kisses and I felt him tighten too, his movements uneven and wild now.

I knew he was close and it was the hottest thing I could ever witness... the way his lips trembled, the low desperate moans spilling out one by one, his eyes dark with need and his hands gripping at everything.

Suddenly his breath started coming in broken pants and then he cried out loud, arching his back as he came deep inside me, his whole body shuddering and this time I held him, kissing his neck gently.

“Yeah, baby... I’ve got you...” I mumbled against his skin. “Don’t hold back. I want all of you... let yourself go, I’m not going anywhere.”

He cried out one more time and then collapsed on top of me and I wrapped him up in my arms until I felt his tears hit my cheeks, mixing there with mine.

Yeah, we both cried... cried from the sheer fucking intensity of it all, from finding each other again when we thought it was gone.

He belonged to me and I belonged to him and nothing on earth would make me let him slip away again.

 

 Thank you again for reading and those of you who left comments, it really means so much, you have no idea. I’m so glad people still stop by my blog, even though I don't promote it anymore. 

I’ve reached a bit of a bump in the road with the story. I thought I had the next part planned but now I’m unsure of the right direction. Please bear with me as I work through it...I’ll do my best to continue the story soon.
Love... 

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