NEW STORY: Quiet Gravity

 

So, I thought I was done writing... until I wasn’t. Inspired by Lisa's book, an idea started brewing in my head, and I just had to scratch that itch. 

I tried to stay true to the real timeline and events, but of course, this is fiction and I’m just having fun with it. It’s angsty and there’s sex, so discretion is advised. If you’re up for it, go ahead and dive in.

(If Blogger even lets me upload this, I guess I’ll find out in a minute.)

Take care!

🩵

 

 

Quiet Gravity

 

 

January 21^st, 2006

Bahrain

 

I was on take nine of the same goddamn verse and still didn’t all the way like how it sat against the bassline. Something about it felt off and I scratched the back of my head, humming the melody again.

Glancing at the wall clock, squinting, I noticed it was already 4 pm. Maybe one more hour, maybe two, and then I would head back to the hotel.

Dinner with the kids was at seven, every night, no matter what... It had already become a thing, even before we moved here, to help me keep my sanity in check and help me keep going on.

Life in the Middle East was far from perfect but it still beat the hell out of Los Angeles. That city was rotten to the core, a slow death wrapped in sunshine and smog and I knew if I had stayed there, it would kill me, one way or another.

The studio now, though, that was different. I loved tinkering with new songs and enjoyed my doing-it-over-a-hundred-times usual kind of madness. I loved creating... And in the studio there were never any questions, any sideways glances, or pity-laced well-meaning comments, nothing like that. Just me, the sound and control. And right now, that little control was probably the only thing keeping me from losing my shit completely.

I rubbed my face taking a deep breath. There was a music stand in front of me with a thick folder filled with papers ...  lyrics, scribbled ideas, random post-its I hadn’t really looked at in weeks and I started flipping through it, looking for this half-finished line for the chorus I remembered jotting down on a blue sticky note. I had the melody stuck in my head but couldn’t land the words, and it was driving me insane.

The folder slipped sideways and something fluttered out from between the pages but I didn’t really notice at first, not until it landed on the floor by my shoe.

I bent down, picked it up and... froze.

Photo strip.

Four frames.

Us.

My fingers locked around the edge of it before my brain even caught up and my stomach tied itself in a knot as I stared at the strip, my eyes moving from one frame to the next...

Lisa laughing, her eyes closed, her head thrown back and my arm around her like we didn’t even know the camera was about to flash. Then, in the second frame I was kissing her cheek while she scrunched her nose making a face. Third, both of us trying to look serious and failing miserably, and the fourth... Well, the fourth was the one that punched straight through me. Lisa and me, cheek to cheek, smiling, happy... in love.

Taken on that one special afternoon at Neverland.

I closed my eyes, and just like that, I was back there...

It had been raining most of that day but I swear I couldn’t care less because it was finally just the two of us, no entourage, no bullshit, no cameras...

It was Lisa’s first time visiting after Vegas. Two weeks earlier, I had told her how I really felt about her, nervous as hell, but I finally got the words out without choking somehow...

She didn’t say much that night and I didn’t press. I owed her that much.  Hell, I had just told her I wanted to marry her and have babies with her while she was still married to the other guy... What was I really thinking?? She deserved time to process that kind of mess.

But then, two days later I had called and she had told me Danny was out of the picture... and I had been over the goddamn moon!

When security buzzed to say she was at the gate that afternoon, my heart damn near stopped. We had spent the whole day together, walking the ranch, holding hands, laughing but the entire time, I could barely focus, my brain stuck on one thing only... Could I kiss her? And when? And... and would she even let me, or would she pull away?

We had taken those silly little photos in the booth by the arcade, and later, just as we were walking back to the house from the stables, still holding hands, it started pouring again. We took off running like idiots across the wet grass, laughing the whole way.

I could still remember how her laughter set off the hundreds of butterflies in my stomach as she pulled me toward the house and we slammed the door behind us, breathless, dripping and then I... well, then I kissed her.

Didn’t even think about it this time, didn’t overanalyze, which was quite a feat.

I remembered grabbing her waist, pulling her in, and kissing her like I had been dying to since Vegas. Her lips were cold from the rain, but she kissed me back deeply, her tongue gently brushing mine, her fingers gripping the front of my shirt. She was shaking in my arms, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell if it was just from the cold or if it was something else entirely...

That’s when the realization hit... Lisa was mine now, and that thought alone hit me harder than I was probably ready for. No Danny, no one else, just the two of us all alone in my house.

We stumbled down the hallway, kicking off wet shoes, knocking into walls and laughing like idiots. She giggled when I smacked into the doorframe with my shoulder and I laughed right back and then... we were in the library.

I broke the kiss, but didn’t let go of her hand right away, and I held it for another second, maybe two, before smiling and forcing myself to step away.

My feet took me to the fireplace while my brain was still stuck somewhere between her mouth and her damp white shirt she was wearing. I knelt and lit the fire with shaking hands, fumbling through the motions while behind me, Lisa flopped down onto the couch, and when I turned, I caught her still smiling at me.

She was so unbelievably beautiful.

I stood up and slowly walked back over, my knees kind of useless under me, but no way in hell was I going to admit that. Not out loud, at least and maybe not even to myself.

I sat next to her, closer than close, and when I leaned in to kiss her again, Lisa let out this soft little sound that short-circuited everything and I cupped her face, kissing her deeper, my hands shaking as they slid into her damp hair.

Back in Vegas, I had told her. Told her I was still a virgin. And yeah, she had looked surprised for a second, but then she just nodded, and there was no judgment or anything sharp in her eyes... and somehow, it wasn’t even as awkward as I was sure it would be.

Lisa kissed my chin, her lips turning into a soft smile against my skin, then paused and clearly decided to let me take the lead and let me figure it all out, one shaky breath at a time.

My hands slid under the hem of her shirt, and I pulled back just enough to look at her. She was still watching me, her eyes telling me to go on and when I started lifting the garment, she raised her arms without a word, letting me undress her slowly.

The shirt came off and she sat there in just her bra, breathing a little faster now, her skin glowing and for a second I had no idea how I wasn’t dreaming all this.

Before I could second-guess the entire situation, I stood up slowly and held out a hand hoping to god she couldn’t see how bad it shook. Lisa didn’t hesitate and just reached for me letting me lead her the few quiet steps over to the rug in front of the fire while my heart was thudding so hard it felt like it was about to give me away. We dropped down together, our knees brushing, our eyes locked, and her lips found mine again but all I could feel was the overwhelming tremble running through my whole body.

“You okay?” She whispered.

“Yeah...” I breathed. “Just... trying not to pass out.”

Lisa smiled gently, her fingers trailing along my jaw.

"Don’t overthink it, Michael. I want you, not some perfect performance."

My hand hovered over her stomach hesitantly and I wanted to touch her so damn bad but didn’t trust myself not to screw it up somehow.

“Go slow...” Lisa murmured. “Just feel me.”

And so I did.

My palm touched her warm skin, and I ran my fingers down the curve of her side slowly, watching her shiver with every little touch. Then she kissed me again, deeper this time, her body leaning into mine, her breasts pressing against my chest and I could feel her heartbeat pounding just as fast as mine.

My hands moved behind her and I started fumbling with the clasp of her bra.

Damn!

What kind of NASA-level puzzle was this thing? My fingers slipped, once, twice but then I felt Lisa smile against my mouth, still kissing me so gently I could barely focus on anything else and she just reached back and unhooked it herself, letting the lacy bra slide down her arms, like it was no big deal at all.

I broke the kiss and just... stared.

Holy fuck.

She was breathtaking... completely out of this world.

Honestly, I probably would have kept gawking like a moron for another hour or even two, if Lisa hadn’t leaned in, grabbed my wrist and guided my hand to her breast.

“Hey...” She said quietly, her eyes locked on mine with intensity that was making my throat tight. “Relax... it’s just me and you, Mike.”

Her nipple tightened under my touch and I ran my thumb over it hesitantly at first, just testing the waters but the second she arched into me, my mouth went dry and all I could think about was how bad I needed a taste.

I slowly leaned down and kissed her there, flicking my tongue carefully over her hardened nipple and Lisa gasped pulling me even closer and dragging a shiver straight through my spine.

“That... does that feel good?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“Oh, god, yes.” Her breath caught in her throat. “So good.”

Encouraged, I couldn’t get enough and kept licking and tasting her perky boobs, moving back and forth between her nipples, hearing her soft moans fill the quiet room. Then, when I grazed my teeth over one, Lisa gasped my name, her fingers tangling deep in my hair before she just grabbed my face pulling me back up and kissing me, her lips parting just enough for her tongue to find mine.

She kept kissing me but her deep kisses later turned into soft little pecks and licks again, first against my jaw, then my neck and then the corner of my mouth, kisses that made my head spin while her hands slowly moved to the buttons of my shirt.

I didn’t even notice, so wrapped in the ache of wanting her, that her fingers started working them open one at a time but the moment I felt her pushing the fabric off my shoulders, I immediately snapped back.

Shit...

Shit, shit, shit!

I should have stopped her, should have said something sooner, but I was so damn caught up in the way she was kissing me and in the way she moaned every time I touched her body, that I had totally let my guard down.

“Wait... wait, don’t!” I muttered and pulled back quickly,  panic rising in my throat as I frantically tried to pull the shirt back on. “It’s ugly. You don’t wanna see this. Please, just... leave the shirt on. Please, Lisa.”

But to my surprise she didn’t even flinch and just smiled and ran her fingers along my jaw ever so gently before she let her eyes drift down to my chest, right to the white patches that had been haunting me for years.

I swear they burned under her gaze but then her lips were back on mine and her hands found the fabric of my shirt again, slipping it off my shoulders once again... slowly, gently and patiently this time.

“Let go, Mike...” She whispered. “You’re beautiful. Stop hiding. You can trust me, just... just let me see you.”

Her fingers traced one of the bigger patches on my chest, her touch featherlight, and I flinched again.

“I hate the way I look...”

“But I don’t...” She said simply, like it was the easiest truth in the world. “I think you’re gorgeous.”

My throat tightened, some weak words of protest catching somewhere deep but before I could even try to get them out, she kissed me again and pressed into me with a low, needy moan.

We kept kissing and undressing each other slowly for the longest time, almost as if time didn’t really exist until we ended up lying down on the soft rug, warm from the fire behind us, the heat licking across our skin.

Our hands moved like we were learning each other one touch at a time and when she let me slide her panties off, I swear I stopped breathing altogether and was just staring, my eyes wide, feeling completely overwhelmed.

“You still okay?” She asked tenderly. “We don’t have to, you know... we can just stay like this. There’s no rush... it’s all good.”

“No...” I breathed. “God, Lise... I want you. I want you so bad it’s driving me crazy. I’m just nervous but... I mean... We’re... we’re going to get married anyway, right? So it... it doesn’t matter. I want you... now... I’m not waiting.”

She smiled as she touched my cheek with the back of her fingers and nodded. “Okay, but we’ll go slow... And if anything feels wrong, you stop me, Michael. I’m not going anywhere. I’m so crazy about you.”

I kissed her again, hungrily this time, like I couldn’t get enough of her and when her hand gently guided my fingers between her legs, I felt like I was going to pass out.

A raw and loud moan ripped out of me before I could even try to stop it and the way her hips rolled under my touch made my breath catch deep in my chest. Lisa moaned too and I pulled back to take a deep breath, because... holy fucking shit...

“Jesus...” I whispered. “You’re... you’re so...”

“Wet?” Lisa teased, grinning at me, her eyes warm and filled with desire. “Yeah. That’s all for you. You turn me on so much.”

And then it hit me.

Shit.

I didn’t have any condoms on me.

Earlier that week, knowing she was coming over, I had asked one of my guys to grab some and it was super awkward, to say the least. The look on his face was priceless as he gave me this stiff little nod, then came back later with a few packs, stone-faced, acting like this was all totally normal.

But of course, I had left them in my bedroom.

And yeah, I was new to all this, but even I knew that jumping up half-naked and sprinting across the house wasn’t exactly a smooth move.

I cleared my throat, feeling like a complete idiot.

“Hey, Lise, uh... I’ve got some condoms upstairs. Do you... want me to go grab them?”

But she just smiled and shook her head.

“Nah. Not unless you want to. I mean, I’m on the pill and I’m clean... but it’s your call, Mike.”

I ran through all the options in my head again, but then I just leaned in and kissed her. Nah... I wasn’t going anywhere. I just wanted to stay right there, in that moment.

We started making out again and somehow, in all that heat and wanting, it just happened. She slid my underwear off, then lay back beneath me, and I instinctively moved over her, still pretty freaked out but needing her so badly I could barely breathe.

Our mouths met again in a deep, hungry kiss while her hands roamed my back, her nails dragging just enough to make me twitch.

I could still remember that sudden rush of heat flooding my whole body the second I finally pushed into her and between her gasp and the way she wrapped around me, so tight and so burning hot, I swear I almost fucking died.

“You okay? Is... is that okay?” I panted helplessly.

“Yeah... more than okay... Fuck, you feel amazing.” She breathed before she kissed my shoulder and then my neck, and her fingers brushed through my hair. “Just move with me. Do what feels right.” She whispered in my ear and her body started guiding mine slowly.

I did my best to follow, terrified I was going to mess it all up but every sound she made, every soft gasp or low moan, helped pulling me out of my own head and further into her and just like that, something shifted and I stopped trying to perform. I finally stopped overthinking every single move and instead, I let myself feel her... her arms, her warmth, her breath and her rhythm, and I let myself fall into her, into this moment and into the way she was looking at me like I was the only man she ever wanted.

It was beautiful and so fucking intense, that kind of high where everything felt electric and soft at the same time but then, most likely not even two minutes later, I felt something tightening deep in my gut, and my thighs started tensing and my hips twitching...

Oh, no... Shit! No, no... not yet...

“Damn, don’t move, please don’t move, Lise...” I whimpered against her hot and soft skin, trying to pull out just to ease the overwhelming sensation and catch my breath for a second but as I did, I felt one of her hands on my back and the other gripping my ass, pulling me right back into her.

“Don’t hold back... I’ve got you. Let it feel good.” She said, her breath hot and shaky at my jawline and I groaned.

Dammit.

My whole body was trembling so bad now, my breath hitching, my molars pressed so damn hard it hurt and my hand gripped her soft hair as I desperately tried to hold on just a little longer...

“Just let go...” She moaned again. “Let me feel you.”

Fuck...

I buried my face in her neck, choking out her name, and then it hit me like a tidal wave, hard and deep and overwhelming. My whole body tensed up, my breath stuttered, and I came inside her with a loud, broken cry while everything exploded behind my closed eyes like fireworks.

I felt raw and alive, like every part of me was screaming and melting all at once but it wasn’t just the intense pleasure I was feeling... There was so much more to it... It was her, this crazy, beautiful woman who had me completely undone, and suddenly I was drowning in this overwhelming, messy kind of love I had never even dared to hope for.

“I’m so sorry...” I breathed, still trembling, my forehead still pressed to her neck, shame creeping in the moment my brain finally got a little blood back and registered just how quickly it had all ended. “Gosh, I didn’t mean to... so fast. Shit.”

“Shhh...” She whispered, stroking the back of my head. “It was amazing. And ... and trust me, I’m not done with you, anyway... not by a long shot.”

I chuckled, relieved, my chest still heaving as I desperately tried to catch my breath, still inside her, still shaking while Lisa held me like she wasn’t planning on ever letting go...

I caught myself gripping the damn photostrip harder, my thumb and forefinger clenched and I let go quickly, smoothing it out flat against the music stand, trying to press out the soft curl in the corner.

Like that mattered anymore...

The thing was already worn to hell, creased in the middle where I had folded it, the edges going fuzzy, a perfect reflection of exactly how messed up our relationship was right now.  

The memories of that crazy weekend slammed into me like a goddamn freight train making me close my eyes and swallow hard.

Lisa had stayed three more days before she had to get back to her children and in those three days we had managed to shut the world out, locking ourselves at Neverland, and barely making it out of my bedroom. And though part of me wondered how anything could top what we already had, the sex kept actually getting better and better. We were learning what made the other gasp and moan and every time felt more intense, like the love we felt for each other was only getting deeper. It was so much, it almost hurt... and I had never felt more alive.

Fuck... I had been such a goddamn idiot! Not only for believing we were cruising toward some fairytale ending, but also for trying to convince myself after the divorce that Lisa would be easy to replace and that sex always felt that good.

What a joke.

After the divorce papers were signed less than two years later, a few months of silence followed, then the pattern kicked in: ugly phone calls, ugly drunk phone calls, lusty phone calls, tears, explosive reunions and mornings filled with guilt and regret.

We couldn’t stay away from each other but couldn’t get it right, either. It was all just fire and ash and it hurt more and more every time we crashed and burned.

And in between all those chaotic reunions, I got to see her life play out in real time, splashed across random magazine covers.

New boyfriend here.

Exotic vacation there.

Engagement rumors, real engagements, blurry paparazzi shots of her laughing with some guy whose name I didn’t know and didn’t give a shit about... except I did, you know. I fucking cared too much. And it killed me every single time.

And so, yeah. I retaliated.

Every time Lisa told me we were done and disappeared, I found someone else.

I was just trying to get her out from under my skin, it wasn’t anything else. What was the name of that first girl I had tried exorcising Lisa from my heart with?

Fuck if I remembered.

She was Greek. I remembered that part. Maybe Penelope, or Calliope, or something like that. Who cared... But she was a looker. Mid-twenties, long dark hair, green eyes, high cheekbones and legs for days with perfect little waist.

I had booked a suite at the Peninsula and had her delivered like a damn room service tray.

We sat across from each other, nibbling on grilled salmon and pretending it was all normal and not at all weird and she played the part so well. She giggled at my jokes and touched my wrist while she watched my mouth like it was saying something worth tasting... She clearly knew why she was there.

Later that night, she crawled into the bed with me and, yeah, she was good... moved like she knew how to do things right, hit every beat right... She came. I came. But when it was over, I remembered staring at the ceiling feeling absolutely fucking nothing, feeling probably worse than I had before we even started making out.

There was no fireworks and no breathless shaking. No heart pounding against my ribs like it was about to rip free and absolutely no afterglow that made me feel like a new man.

I remembered lying there, arm across my eyes, while she got dressed quietly in the bathroom and... and then I never saw her again.

Then a month or so later, the next girl...

Blonde, American as apple pie... big fake boobs, bright white smile and a confident laugh.

Another high-rise hotel, another dinner I didn’t even taste, another pair of legs in designer heels wrapping around my waist.

She was loud, totally over-the-top, calling me “daddy”, which only made me cringe, and her moans felt rehearsed, leaving me wondering why I didn’t just spend the night alone at home, with my hand and the latest issue of Playboy.

Fuck...

And it was not much better than that with every other girl that came after.

All of them were beautiful and totally down to sign the insane NDAs my lawyers had put together for situations like this, full of oddly specific rules about privacy, silence, and pretending I never existed the second they walked out the door.

A lot of them were smart and funny, and a few tried to play the long game hoping they would get another shot, that maybe I would let them come back for more. But I didn’t, because... well, because none of them were her.

And just when I thought mediocre hook-ups was all I would ever get stuck with for the rest of my life, Lisa would always come back to me and remind me what sex could really feel like... a night here, a weekend there.

She would touch me, just one stupid light brush of her fingers down my abs and it was like my whole body immediately short-circuited, making me forget who I even was.

As a matter of fact, Lisa could make me forget everything. Everything except the way she looked biting her lip right before she came or the way she sounded when she cried out my name while she writhed underneath me, completely lost in the passion we still felt for each other...

Being with her wasn’t just sex... it was life, death and rebirth, it was salvation and punishment at the same time. And it always ruined me in the best and worst ways.

But eventually, we cut it off.

The last time we spoke was almost a year ago.

I had called her late, my voice shaking, my hand clutching a glass of whiskey.

The trial was supposed to start soon, my whole life hanging by a thread and I just... needed someone.

Needed her.

I simply needed to hear her voice, and to know she gave a shit.

But Lisa?

Lisa was ice that night...

Indifferent... That was the word she had used and I could swear I just wanted to die.

I never called her again after that, of course, too proud and too heartbroken, and the silence that followed was worse than any screaming match we ever had.

My phone buzzed suddenly, pulling me out of the stupid spiral and I jerked, realizing I was still in the studio, all alone.

The phone was across the room, vibrating against the chipped edge of the side table and I walked over slowly, frowning.

Unknown number.

International.

Blah.

I stared at it, wondering what would happen if I didn’t pick up. Most likely absolutely nothing. I really wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to deal with anyone. But something in my gut kept poking at me, telling me to answer, and so a few seconds later, frowning even harder, I did.

“Hello?”

Silence...

At first, I thought it was a misdial but then I heard something faint and muffled, like maybe a sniffle, followed by a mess of background noise. Clinking cutlery, faint chatter and some music. And then...

“Hey... it’s... it’s me.”

Her voice hit me like a shot of whiskey on an empty stomach and my knees almost gave out.

No fucking way.

The world tilted, spun and then blurred.

Then I heard more sniffling.

“Lisa? What... are you okay?”

She let out this shaky, broken little breath. “No... I don’t know. I don’t think so... Not really.”

I wanted to be cold, I swear I did... wanted to throw her own bullshit right back in her face the way she had done to me ... tell her to go to hell, hang up and ignore her forever but instead, I found myself gripping the phone tighter and pacing, my heart jackhammering in my chest.

“What’s going on?”

“I’m... I’m freaking out.” She whispered.

“What? Why? Where are you?”

She mumbled something totally incoherent, then started sobbing, full-on now, clearly no more trying to hold it together. And then, just as I was about to ask again, she spoke up, her words almost making me gag.

“I’m at... at my rehearsal dinner.”

I felt like I got shot. Straight through the ribs, no warning, just this cold, ruthless pain cutting clean into my chest.

I already knew she was engaged again, yeah, but hearing her say those words out loud? Rehearsal dinner? That meant it was real. It was happening. She really was marrying someone else.

My mouth went dry and my whole body seized up.

“You’re getting married?”

She didn’t answer and just cried harder instead.

Jesus Christ.

No... No! No! No! I couldn’t do this again!

I couldn’t keep letting her rip open the same wound over and over. There was barely anything left of my heart anymore, just scar tissue and shrapnel from a love that never fucking healed right.

“I don’t... I can’t breathe.” She gasped. “I... Michael... I can’t...”

My brain immediately shut up and instinct kicked in.

Suddenly, it didn’t matter what she had done to me or how deep she had cut, I couldn’t stand hearing her like that and not help. It was wired into me, some protective switch that flipped the second she sounded like she was breaking.

“Hey, hey, slow down. Look at me...fuck, I mean, pretend you’re looking at me. You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re just having a panic attack.” I said, already moving, already switching into that protective mode. “Okay, listen to me, alright? Look around, Lisa. Tell me five things you can see.”

She sniffled. “What?”

“Just do it. Five things. Look around and name them out loud. Doesn’t matter what. Just say them.”

“Uh...” She inhaled shakily. “Okay. Um... bamboo paneling. A big flower arrangement. Those sliding paper doors... a koi fish painting... and... and a bonsai tree?”

My brows pulled together. “You’re at a Japanese restaurant or something?”

She let out a small, pitiful laugh through the tears. “Yeah. In Kyoto.”

Great. Just fucking great.

But I couldn’t go down that road right now and sulk like a bitter ex. No, I had to keep her talking.

“Alright... Now tell me four things you can touch. Anything... your dress, the flowers, the wall. Keep your hands busy.”

She started listing them slowly... her dress, the flowers, the bonsai and her necklace.

“Good...” I murmured. “You’re doing great, Lise. Don’t stop now. What are three things you can hear? Focus on the sound, it’ll ground you.”

“Um... the fountain in the corner, people talking, and... the music. It’s some soft jazz thing.”

“Okay. Two things you can smell.”

“Incense... and sake.”

I smiled faintly. “Okay and now one thing you can taste.”

“My tears...” She whispered.

Hearing those two words broke me.

I knew how bad her panic attacks could get... I had them myself but I had learned to handle mine. Lisa never did. She always needed someone to hold her hand and to calm her down.

But then the other side of me kicked in, and my jaw clenched.

Why the hell did I still care? And more importantly, why the hell did I always make sure she could still find me every damn time I changed my number? No wonder I landed in the same bullshit time after time.

She had a fiancé, for god’s sake. A guy to hold her damn hand... She didn’t need to be calling me, it was not my problem. She was not my problem.

Still... damn it, I couldn’t just hang up on her, not when she sounded like that.

“Alright. You’re doing good.” I continued.. “Now breathe. In through your nose, four seconds. Ready? One...two... three...four. Now out through your mouth. Slow.... like you’re blowing out a candle.”

I walked her through the whole cycle three more times, until her voice stopped shaking so much.

“You feeling better?”

“A little...” She said, barely audible. “God, this is insane. Why am I feeling like this? What... what the hell am I doing?”

I exhaled slowly.

“You’re asking me? I’m guessing you’re in love and about to marry the guy.”

Silence.

“You know what, Lisa? I really think you should hang up and just go back.” I added, my voice turning angry and cold again quickly. Her panic attack eased off just enough for the rage to crawl back up in me like bile and it reminded me exactly how fucking done I was with her games. She had treated me like trash, and now had the nerve to call me the night before marrying someone else? To hell with her! “Pretty sure your fiancé wouldn’t be thrilled to know who you’re on the phone with right now.”

“I just needed to hear your voice. I needed.... I needed you.”

I closed my eyes.

God.

If only she had sounded like this a year ago, when I was unraveling and needed her more than I needed air. But now?

I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced myself to stay upright.

“Yeah, well. You made your choice, Lisa. I’m not mad.” Not true. “I just... I don’t think this is fair. Not to him and not to me. Not to anyone. You don't get to hit the emergency button and pull me back just because you're scared now.”

She didn’t respond.

Typical.

“You’re...” I exhaled, frowned but tried softening my tone again. There wasn’t much point in yelling at her now anyway. “You’re just nervous. Remember our wedding? You freaked out, too.”

She let out a weak chuckle. “So did you.”

I smiled despite myself while that day flashed through my mind.

“Yeah... feels like another life now.” Quiet again. “You should go, Lisa. Seriously. You’ve got a whole future waiting for you, don’t fuck it up calling your past.”

“No! Don’t hang up. Don’t! Wait... just... just talk to me. Please. It... it helps.”

I hesitated. “What do you even want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Something. Anything. Lie to me, if you have to. Just... don’t hang up yet, Michael. Please.”

“I think we used up all the words, Lisa Marie. There’s nothing left to say.”

“That’s not true...”

This time it was me who let the silence speak for us, but then I heard her breath hitch again and the nuclear bomb hit a second later, her voice barely above a whisper and yet shattering everything I thought I knew.

“I still love you, Michael.”

I closed my eyes while my stomach turned and my chest cracked wide open. In a way it felt like getting punched in the gut, then kissed, then pushed off a cliff all in one second.

How could she still say that after everything?

A million thoughts tangled in my head... both the good and the ugly, the nights we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and the mornings we could barely look each other in the eye, and I wanted to yell, to cry, to tell her to take it back, or mean it, or just fucking stop but I didn’t... because I couldn’t even speak.

“Are you still there?”

Was I?

“Yes...”

“Do you... Do you ever think about us, Michael? About... if maybe we could ever try again?”

“All the time...” I admitted without thinking of the words. Stupid. I needed to reel it back quickly and do some damage control before she got any more ideas. “But we had our shot, Lisa. Hell, we had a bunch of them. And we blew every single one. We... we’d tear each other apart if we tried again. You know that.”

“No...” She said, choking on the word. “No. You don’t get to say that. You don’t ... you don’t really mean that.”

And just like that the fury came rushing back.

“What the fuck are we even talking about here?! You told me you didn’t give a shit about me, Lisa! I was standing on the edge and you kicked me in the nuts and told me to jump! I haven’t heard from you in almost a year, not since when you treated me like I was a stranger, a burden and a fucking mistake all combined to you and now... now you call me? A fucking year later, on a night before your wedding claiming you love me? Have you completely lost your mind?”

She was sobbing again. “I lied! I didn’t mean it, okay?! Dammit, like I could ever be indifferent when it comes to you, Michael! I... I just wanted you to focus on the trial. I was trying to protect you...”

“Bullshit!” I snapped. Oh my god, the gall of that woman! “You were trying to protect yourself because I didn’t fit into your neat little plan! Say it! Have the guts to stop hiding and admit it finally!”

“Okay, fine! I fucked up! Big time... And... and I’m so sorry! I just didn’t want to drag you back into our mess while you were dealing with bigger things. That’s the honest truth... I... I really thought you needed to focus. I didn’t want to make it worse!!”

“But I needed you, Lisa Marie!! That’s all I needed for fuck’s sake! Don’t you get that?!”

“I know!” She screamed. “I know that now, okay? And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve been sorry every day since... I never stopped loving you... You need to know that, Michael. I... I need you to know that.”

I looked up at the ceiling, my jaw clenched so tight it hurt. I had convinced myself I would never hear from her again, and yet here she was, finally speaking the words I had needed to hear a year ago.

Deep down I knew she didn’t really mean them... No, Lisa had just wedding jitters and wasn’t thinking straight and so since I was the only one who actually seemed to have his shit together right now, well, kind of, I had to cut things clean before we caused each other more pain than either of us could bear.

“Too little, too late, princess. The ship has sailed.”

Silence again, only loud sobbing on the other end, then a voice in the background ... male... curious.

“Babe? What’s going on? Who’re you talking to?”

I froze, then heard her shift, the phone rustling against fabric, before her quiet voice mumbled something like, “just a minute, I’ll be right back.”

When the rustling stopped and she came back on, clearing her throat like she was trying to pull herself together to talk to me some more, I took a breath, dug deep, and forced the words out. I had to... for the sake of both of us.

“Go be with him, Lisa. You deserve to be happy.”

And I hung up.

 

* * *

 

January 26^th, 2006

Hamburg

 

 

The plane hit the tarmac with a jolt that rattled my teeth and the second we were cleared to move, I jumped up and started waking the kids. They were groggy and confused and I felt bad but we had to move fast.

We stepped outside and the freezing cold smacked me right in the face, making me suck in a sharp breath through my teeth and pull my jacket tighter. The kids, though? They lit up the moment they saw all the snow on the ground... After years of living in California and months of sweating through Middle Eastern heat, they were seeing winter for the first time in forever and they seemed to be loving it. But unfortunately, there was no time for snow angels now, and so I pulled their hats down, zipped up their coats, and walked them down the shaky metal stairs of the jet before jogging to the waiting limo and shoving them inside as fast as I could.

Once we all settled inside and the car pulled away, I stared out at the flat white landscape as we drove.

I needed this break so bad.

That batshit call from Lisa had really knocked the wind out of me and I hadn’t been able to get her voice out of my head since. I tried and tried but no matter what I did, it played on a loop, her profession of love still killing me every time I replayed those words in my head.

I never stopped loving you, Michael.

Fuck...

I thought I was done with her. Thought I had buried it.

Yeah, right.

We drove through the countryside, snow-covered fields sliding past while the kids were buzzing again, full of questions and ideas and plans for snowball fights and sled races and soon we pulled up to my friends’ house and I swear I felt something loosen in my chest. I was so glad I had taken Marlies and Wolfgang up on their offer and decided to fly in for a few days as they welcomed us with wide smiles and open arms and handed us steaming mugs of something that tasted like apples and cinnamon.

Later, we sat around the big table and ate dinner just talking about life, while nobody brought up the trial or anything I didn’t really want to talk about... and it felt good.

After, I tucked the kids into the rooms they had set up for us, kissed them goodnight, told them I would see them in the morning, and left the nanny in charge while back downstairs, Wolfgang was already pouring drinks. He slid one toward me and we talked a bit sipping on the smooth whiskey he always kept in his house.

I was just about to ask for a refill when there was a soft knock on the door and then one of my guys stepped in, clearly a bit uncomfortable.

"Sorry to bother you, boss..." He said, holding out a small envelope. "This just came in. I... it seems kinda urgent."

I squinted. “Urgent?”

He nodded and handed me the envelope, and I took it while Wolfgang shot me a look, then stood up.

“I’ll give you a minute...” He said, already halfway down the hall and I stared at the tiny letter, confused, before I opened it slowly.

The second I saw the handwriting, I froze and my stomach dropped.

Lisa.

I hadn’t heard from her since the call and I hadn’t tried to reach her, either.

I couldn’t afford to.

Instead, I had gone full lockdown deciding on avoiding all news, tabloid magazines and articles from TMZ like the plague.

I had convinced myself she went through with the wedding... it only made sense. Lisa sure had married the dude and that was the end of it. After all, who the hell would call off a wedding because off a little panic attack and a phone call with a spiraling, washed-up ex-husband?

Nobody, that’s who...

I pulled the small piece of paper out, my hands shaking, fingers fumbling more than I liked to admit. The letters in front of me blurred and I had to blink a few times just to get them back into focus.

 

Mike, I'm here at the Hotel Atlantic. Suite 7A. Your guys know how to sneak you in. I really need to talk to you tonight. Please come. L.

 

I gasped, choking on air while my throat tightened hard.

What the hell? What was she doing in Germany anyway? She was in Japan last week, wasn’t she? Getting ready to get fucking married!

I got it, planes existed, sure... but still. This? Now?

I didn’t know what the hell to think and I was spinning. Part of me wanted to run straight there, to see her, hear her voice, get answers, and maybe even... touch her, kiss her but then the other part, the one I had been feeding resentment to for months on end now, screamed louder.

How dare she?! After everything? After walking away when I was at my lowest, after swearing she didn’t care, after standing back while the whole world tried to rip me to pieces? And now she showed up in Germany? Hell no.

Lisa claimed she had been lying before, that she said what she said to protect me. That she never stopped loving me. But what if it was the other way round? What if she was actually lying now? What if she had gone through with the wedding and this was just her way of rubbing it in, showing me what I missed out on?

No... that would be too low, even for her. Right? God, I didn’t know anymore. I couldn’t think straight.

That bug in my brain, the one that always whispered her name, started chewing holes in everything I had built up and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried.

Wolfgang came back in and sat down across from me and I finally managed to pull my eyes off the note and meet his. He looked at me for a second, then leaned in slightly.

“What’s going on, Mike?”

“I uh... Nothing.” I mumbled, trying to shove the paper back into the envelope. “It’s... really nothing, I guess.”

“You guess?” He smiled but didn’t push further and just watched me quietly, which made it worse somehow.

I couldn’t lie to this man.

He had invited me and my kids into his home, no questions asked and he was being kind when he didn’t have to be.

And so I really should have just asked for another drink and sat there like a good guest, talked with him a while longer, then gone to bed and tossed and turned until sunrise. Yes, that’s what I should have done.

But the itch was stronger than me...

I needed to know.

“Wolfgang... I’m really sorry.” I said, rubbing my hand over my face. “Would it be terrible manners if I... snuck off for a bit? I... I need to go meet someone in the city.”

He grinned. “Ah, but of course, Michael. Don’t you worry. We’ll watch the kids. Do you need a car?”

I shook my head. “No, no... I’ll talk to my guys.”

“Good. You go. It’s fine, really.”

“I appreciate it. I really do. I’m sorry again, man, I just... I’ll be back soon. I... I promise.”

“Mike, it’s okay. Go do what you need to do. Take your time.. I mean it.”

I stood up, trying not to trip over my own feet as I backed toward the hallway and he gave me one last grin and waved me off like some older brother who knew exactly the kind of trouble I was walking into...

 

* * *

 

The drive to the hotel was a blur, streets, headlights, snow, didn’t register any of it... Next thing I knew, someone was guiding me through the back entrance, dragging me through the empty hotel kitchen, then shoving me into an elevator. Everything felt foggy and fast and then I was there, standing in front of her suite, staring at the door helplessly.

I raised my hand to knock, stopped, dropped it and clenched it into a fist instead.

What the fuck was I even doing here?

I didn’t owe Lisa a damn thing... least of all my time, my presence or my fucking nerves shot to hell.

She had betrayed me... flat-out gutted me. And I... like some wide-eyed idiot, came running the second she snapped her fingers, like I was her goddamn puppy.

Jesus fucking Christ!!

A fire lit in my chest and I knocked harder than I meant to.

Two seconds.

That’s all it took.

The door opened and there she was, barefoot, hair cascading over her shoulders in soft waves, wearing a white T-shirt and tight black jeans. Her blue eyes bore into mine and I forced a frown across my face and pushed past her before she could say a word.

Behind me, I heard the soft thud of the door closing and I turned around, the rage finally spilling over.

“Jesus Christ, you really know how to fuck with my head, don't you, Lisa?!”

She didn’t even flinch.

“Nice to see you too, Michael.”

I let out this hollow laugh that scraped up from somewhere deep.

“No, seriously. How the hell did you even know I was here?”

“I have my ways...”

“Right... and so you just fly in, write a pathetic note and send it to me hoping to bait me into leaving my kids and my friends and coming to see you in the middle of the night?? Are you for real right now??!”

She shrugged, calm on the outside, but I could see the way her jaw clenched.

“I didn’t think texting ‘we need to talk’ would cut it, is all.”

“Oh right... Princess has to make everything a goddamn production.”

She didn’t bite and just let it roll off like she had expected that one.

“Well, you came. Guess the theatrics worked.”

“Yeah, well, what can I say...” I folded my arms, pacing a few steps away just so I wouldn’t put my fist through the wall. “Curiosity’s a bitch. So? Let’s hear it. Drop the bomb, so I can congratulate the newlyweds and get the fuck outta here.”

“I didn’t marry him.” She said and looked straight at me without blinking and I froze mid-step right before my stomach dipped like I had just stepped off a ledge.

“What?”

“I didn’t. I couldn’t do it. I told him the truth and then walked out.”

My throat went dry.

“You told him what exactly? That you’re still hung up on one of your ex-husbands? Wow, real smooth, Lisa, real smooth. And did you tell him it was me or you just let him play the ‘guess which ex’ game while you packed your shit?”

She did flinch this time but tried to cover it by lowering her voice.

“I told him that I lied when I said I was over you. And that I was trying to be what he needed, but I really couldn’t fake it anymore.”

I shook my head, pacing again.

“Unfuckingbelievable... Why do you always wait until the last possible second to figure out what the hell you actually want? Jesus, you’re such a spoiled brat, Lisa! Grow the hell up already!!”

She stiffened, and I could see it, her whole body tensing like she was holding herself back from throwing something.

“And why do you always have to make everything so damn hard, Michael?! Why can't you just, I don’t know... trust me when I say I still have feelings for you and... and let it be good for once?”

“Because ‘good’ with you always ends with me bleeding on the floor, Lisa Marie! Feelings my ass! You said you were indifferent, remember that?”

“I know... Gosh!” Her hands flew up and she turned away from me. I was finally getting to her... Good. We would be yelling at each other in no time and then I would be out of here and on the way back to my friends’ house, to my kids and other people who actually gave a shit about me. “I said I was sorry and I already told you, I said it because I thought it’d help you move on! Because I wanted you to focus on your life, instead of circling the drain with me!! Is that so hard to understand?”

“Well, congrats, then, sweetheart. Because thanks to your um, oh so invaluable help, I ended up circling the drain all alone... just by myself. And believe me, it was a fucking blast.”

“I know!!” She let out desperately. “God, I know and I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you! I was scared and I thought letting you go was the kindest thing, but it just broke us both, and I can't stop thinking about it! About you... I was wrong, Michael. I was so fucking wrong!!”

I scoffed, turned my back on her again and tried to walk away from the sound of her voice but it followed me like smoke. Then I spun around, the rage bubbling back up again.

“You ran! And it wasn’t the first time. The second things got hard, you bailed on me! You always do. When shit gets real, you find the nearest exit and bolt.”

“That’s so not fair...”

“No?”

“No! Because... because you would ice me out every time we hit the rough patches, too! You ghosted me emotionally and then pretended like you were the victim every time, but it actually took two people to crash this plane, Michael!”

I laughed again, but there was no humor in it.

“Yeah, I fucked up a lot of things when we were married but I fucking paid for it! Having to watch you bounce from one loser to the next every time the road got bumpy? Do you have any idea how that shit felt??”

“Michael!” Her voice cracked, her hands shaking now. Good... this was going to be over soon. The moment she threw something at me, I was out. And I knew she would do just that sooner or later. That’s how Lisa operated. “Aaargh, God, I know exactly what you’re doing right now! You’re baiting me. Picking a fight like you always do when you're scared. And guess what? It's working! Congratulations. But would you shut the hell up and listen to me for one goddamn minute?! I’m not here to win and I’m not here to be right or prove a point. I’m here because I can’t fucking breathe when you’re not in my life, Michael! Because I love you, alright? I’ve tried to get over it and yes, I’ve dated guys who were easier. Safer. But none of them were you! You... you goddamn infuriating, stubborn, emotionally constipated pain in the ass who can’t even see that there’s a woman right in front of you, ready to set fire to her pride just to be in your life again!! And.. and maybe it does make me pathetic, desperate and stupid... but, but I don’t care!  I’ll wear it. Because I love you so damn much it fucking hurts!”

I blinked and felt something cracking inside me, and I spun my head around and turned my back to her, my throat tightening and eyes burning. No way was I letting her catch me like that. I took two deep breaths before facing her again with my signature ice mask fully back in place.

“That’s rich, Lisa. Did you practice that in front of the mirror or something? But seriously, save the damn speeches, princess. You only mean what you say when you’re walking away anyway. I learned that the hard way.”

She closed the gap between us, her eyes flashing with raw anger. “God, you’re impossible... You think I’m enjoying this? Begging you to trust me? To trust my feelings for you? No way! But... but it’s worth it... you’re worth it! You’re my once in a lifetime and I’m too old and too tired to pretend otherwise. I can see everything clearly now. I need you, Michael. I want you back. So fucking much.”

She leaned in and her breath hit my face, and that live wire between us snapped to life like it always did. One look and I was gone.

And so I did it... I kissed her and it was hard and angry, like I wanted to hurt her with it, like I needed to drag the pain out of me and shove it into her mouth just to get a little peace. But Lisa kissed me back just as hungrily, her hands fisting in my hair, pulling me even closer.

“This is a mistake...” I muttered against her lips.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re gonna disappear again. I know it... You always do.” I panted in between the kisses, my mind screaming to run but my body refusing to move. “You’ll look at me in the morning and regret every single second, and I’ll have to live with that look for the rest of my life.”

“No... I won’t. I can’t. I’ve lost you so many times it’s a goddamn miracle you’re standing here right now. I’ve never been this sure of anything in my life and I promise I won’t blow it again.”

I stopped kissing her, my breath ragged while everything inside me shook.

“I... I can’t trust you, Lisa.”

“Yes, you can, baby...” Her hands cupped my face. “Just... try. One more time. No exits this time. I’m yours.”

She leaned in and kissed me again, her hands roaming all over my chest and shoulders until my jacket hit the floor but then I pulled back again...

What the fuck was I doing?? I needed to get out of there and fast.

“I’m still so fucking mad at you.” I growled, my eyes not leaving hers while she gave me this sad half-smirk.

“Good. It’s an emotion... I’ll take it. Anger’s a start, at least.”

“Maybe, but unlike popular belief, there isn’t a fine line between anger and love, Lisa... hell, there’s a whole Great Wall between them... And just so you know, I’m not here to fix things, anyway.”

“Doesn’t have to be fixed all at once. Let’s just start with not walking away.” She said and I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I could see the shimmering tears in her eyes through the blur of my own. “I’m done running, Michael. If you fall, I’m falling with you. I know it’s gonna take time for you to trust me again, but I promise I’ll wait as long as it takes... And um, in the meantime, how about... how about we just shut up for now and let our bodies do the talking instead?? I think there’s another language you and I speak fluently, and I remember it being completely wordless.”

Her lips brushed mine softly again, just teasing me at first, then there was that little lick and the nip at my bottom lip, and everything just snapped in me. My spine lit up, my hands grabbed her, and my brain, the last part of me still trying to fight all this, got drowned out by the way her mouth made me lose every bit of control I had left.

Lisa kept kissing me like crazy now, her lips urgent and open-mouthed, her moans vibrating against my tongue as her hands slid up my chest and pushed me back. Once the back of my knees hit the couch, I dropped down hard and Lisa stood in front of me with her eyes on mine before she licked her lips and then climbed on.

She was moving slow as hell, one knee on the couch next to me, then the other, and just like that she was straddling me and the second she lowered herself down and brushed against my increasingly bigger problem in the nether region, I sucked in a breath and my eyes shut.

There was no one like her. No other woman ever got even close to what Lisa could make me feel with just one move or one goddamn look.

Her fingers found the buttons on my shirt, undoing them one by one, and... and I fucking didn’t stop her even then.

What the hell was I still waiting for?

The shirt slipped open, and she leaned down, planting soft kisses along my neck, tracing the hollow just below my throat... and then lower. Little, barely-there kisses that set my whole body on fire and I didn’t even realize I was gripping her hips so tightly until a stupid little whimper escaped me, one I didn’t even try to hide. She smiled softly, no hint of cockiness or anything like that, just something warm and real that made me swallow hard and close my eyes.

Okay, this was getting too crazy and totally out of hand and I really had to stop all that madness and fast.

But as if she could read my goddamn mind, just like she always had before, Lisa paused, lifted her head again, and looked me dead in the eyes.

"Don’t hold back, Michael." She whispered. "Please. I feel you fighting it and I know you’re scared. But I’m not going anywhere. Not this time. Please open your heart and let me in... Let me love you, let me show you that you’re safe with me, let me be the proof you’ve been waiting for. Just... let me try."

The moment she said those words, I snorted, and she flinched, looking hurt but that bitter little noise was just my useless, kind of ridiculous last-ditch effort to push her away. Just a pathetic defense I pulled up from some dark, dusty corner inside me, anything to stop her from slowly tearing me apart with her kisses and soft touches. And right there, with her caught off guard by my coldness, I saw my chance to strike and go in for the kill.

"If you just wanna fuck, Lisa, it’s fine. I’m not exactly gonna say no.” I said, the corner of my mouth curling into a cold, almost mocking smirk. “We’re good at this... So let’s scratch that itch, then I’m gone. Gotta get back to my kids.”

She blinked again, and I saw her jaw twitch. A flicker of anger and hurt flashed across her face, and I almost thought I had won... Well, if her getting up from my lap and telling me to go fuck myself counted as victory.

But... she didn’t pull away, and she didn’t tell me to go fuck myself, either. Instead, she kissed me softly, her lips trailing down to my jaw and neck.

“I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, Michael. And I swear, I’ll spend every damn day proving what you mean to me, helping you trust me again. I know I’ve hurt you, but please believe me when I say I’m ready to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. If you’ll just let me.”

Fuck, I felt tears sting my eyes, but I couldn’t let her see how her words started chipping away at the walls I had built... No, I had to do something, anything to hide the fact that her words actually got to me and so I grabbed the hem of her T-shirt quickly and yanked it up over her head in one rushed motion. I tossed the damn thing behind her as her skin caught the moonlight pouring in through the window and the second I realized she wasn’t wearing a bra, I let out a sound that barely qualified as human.

Then everything got crazy real fast.

I was kissing her again, hard this time, our tongues tangling, both of us moaning like we were starving for each other and my hands were everywhere, caressing her waist, sliding up her back, then cupping her breasts, feeling her respond like her body had never forgotten my touch.

She unzipped my jeans with shaky fingers, fumbling a little, and I helped her, shoving them down with my boxers. Then Lisa kicked off her own pants and underwear, straddled me again, and the second she sank down onto me, I nearly fucking lost it...

A desperate, guttural moan ripped out of me as I slammed my eyes shut and my throat was raw like I had been screaming for hours, even though I had barely said a word in the last ten minutes.

Every muscle in my body was clenched tight, my chest heaving while Lisa was moving slowly, her hips grinding in these deep, rolling circles that had me trembling, my forehead pressed to her cheek. My hands slid up her back to pull her even closer to me, while her nails sank into my shoulders. She was so unbelievably soft, her warmth seeping into me and igniting something I thought was dead while I was panting in her ear, then muffling my moans against her neck, and she was doing pretty much the same, her lips brushing over my forehead, my temple or the curve of my jaw as she rocked against me.

It was too much and I couldn’t think anymore, only feel.

Her.

Us.

This fucking wildfire we had never been able to put out no matter how hard we had tried.

When the orgasms hit, they hit both of us at once and they hit hard. We gasped, then cried out... those loud, broken, desperate sounds that tore out of our throats and echoed through the suite like we were both being set on fire.

My whole body tensed so hard I couldn’t move and for a second it felt like time just stopped and all we could do was to shake and burn and hold on. I felt her burying her face in my neck while she was holding me like she didn’t want me to pull away yet and I clung to her just the same, my arms locked tight around her back, my forehead pressed against her shoulder.

And then she said those words again.

"I love you."

I heard them... and I felt them, too, but... I didn’t say anything back.

Couldn’t.

All I could do at that moment was hold her tight, my eyes burning...

Good thing she couldn’t see my face right then.

 

* * *

 

June 17^th, 2007

Los Angeles

 

 

The car slowed down a little and I saw the familiar gate... finally.

Home.

Sitting in the backseat with my neck kinked at a weird angle, jetlag hitting me hard and my eyes burning from pure lack of sleep, I realized in that exact moment just how much I missed being back.

I had been gone two and a half weeks only, but it felt like a freaking eternity, like I had lived five lives in that time...

The tour stuff had gone better than expected and some promising contracts had been signed, new venues picked and a couple of collabs I had been chasing finally greenlit.

And! I even managed to squeeze in a quick visit to Wolfgang and Marlies in Hamburg. Thank god... I still felt terrible about how my stay with them had gone last year when against my better judgment I had snuck out and gone to see Lisa.

And there, in her hotel suite, we went at it like always... Yelling, blaming, dragging up old shit and then, just like every other time, it all spiraled into us tearing each other’s clothes off instead of walking away. Oh, I almost forgot... somewhere in that blur of raised voices, old wounds flying around, my belt halfway undone and her moaning into my mouth mid-argument, she also said that she loved me.

Big whoop...

Except it was.

When it was all over, she stayed in my lap, sweaty and breathless, and I suddenly remembered we totally forgot about protection again.

Fuck...

Not that I was sweating it too much, after all, we had tried for years with zero luck, even post-divorce and I never managed to knock her up but she had been with other dudes during the last year and... damn it. Why did I always throw logic out the window when she was involved?

But I shoved all that crap aside, no point crying over spilled, um....milk... because right then, there was my chance! Yet another one!! All I had to do was push her off my lap, get up, laugh in her face, maybe throw in a little “thanks, sweetheart, I got what I came for,” and walk the fuck out.

That would have been the right move. That would have served her right...

And for one brief second, I was ready to go there as those nasty, sharp and even kind of satisfying thoughts danced behind my closed eyes like little demons doing a victory lap. Sweet and easy revenge...one good hit to finally even the score.

But... my stupid body had its own agenda and it couldn’t be further from letting me slam the door and walk out. And so instead of pushing her off me and laughing in her face, my idiotic left hand caught her hair, playing with it gently while I pressed my goddamn nose to her neck, inhaling her scent before my lips brushed over her collarbone, running along her soft skin. It was so pathetic, I could have cried, clinging to her like a man going under, hoping she wouldn’t let me drown.

Next thing I knew, Lisa stood up and she didn’t say anything, just reached for my hand and I followed her right into the bedroom. So much for walking out like a boss... So much for payback.

I was such a fucking idiot.

Then we made love again... Yeah. Not fucked, not tore each other up like we sometimes did... No, we made love, and it pissed me off that it really felt like that...

It was different this time. Slower, warmer, way too quiet and really gentle. Neither of us said a thing, but my body went ahead and probably told her everything I swore I was done feeling.

Traitor.

Lisa didn’t deserve to know anything. She didn’t deserve that side of me anymore.

After we were done, she curled up in my arms, her head resting on my chest, all soft and warm and completely still, like she had melted into me and I let myself close my eyes, just for a minute, but actually must have fallen asleep. I jerked and opened my eyes the moment I felt her fingers on my jaw gently waking me up.

“Hey Michael... it’s five a.m.” She whispered softly and I turned my head and squinted at the glowing numbers on the nightstand alarm clock, trying to make sense of them. She wasn’t kidding. I had been totally out for at least two hours. “I know you wanted to get back to your kids before they wake up. So... um, even though there’s nothing I’d want more than to keep you here, I assume you gotta go.”

I blinked, still groggy, my limbs feeling like jelly and my brain not much better, but the peace from before hadn’t totally slipped away.

Lisa had once again done that. She always did. She had that way of pulling the poison out of me and silencing all the demons I carried, one moan at a time, until I didn’t feel so anguished anymore.

But yeah, I had to go...

Without a single word I just got up, then started getting dressed in the dark. I managed to find my jeans, my shoes, then in the end my shirt as well.  

There wasn’t time to shower, but deep down, I didn’t mind smelling like her. No, I wanted it to linger... just a little longer.

I called my driver, then splashed some cold water on my face in the bathroom, trying to make my eyes look less like I had been fucked senseless by the one woman who haunted both my dreams and nightmares.

When I came back out, she was standing by the door in her satin robe, her arms wrapped around herself and she looked up at me, unsure, biting her lip.

“Is it okay if I call you?” She asked and I sighed.

Was it okay?

Fuck, if I knew...

But then I nodded reluctantly, mumbling, “I guess,” and I saw Lisa giving me that sad half-smile once again.

I walked past her into the main room, hearing her soft footsteps trailing behind me. My hand was already on the door, and I knew I should have just walked away, but something stopped me yet again. I sighed and turned to her, took a few steps closer, reached out, cupped her cheek, then slid my hand into her hair. She was warm and soft and looked so vulnerable, and the idiot in me leaned in and kissed her forehead, holding her a little longer than I should have.

Damn it.

“I’ll see you, Lisa, okay?”

Then I turned around and bailed before I could do anything dumber...

Once I snuck back into the house, I was dead tired, but I managed to make it back before the kids or anyone else woke up.

I was quiet, careful and crept in like a damn criminal and as far as I could tell, Wolfgang hadn’t said a word about my little midnight adventure to anyone and I very much appreciated it.

I tried to be a good guest after that. Hung out with the family, played outside in the snow with all the kids, letting them bury me in the yard like a human snowman... I helped clear the driveway, too, even helped Wolfgang change oil on his ancient Land Rover like I knew what the hell I was doing.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about Lisa... because I was.

Often...

More than I liked...

A part of me kept glancing at my phone, hoping she would text or call me like she said she would, while another part of me was scared shitless of what I would feel if she actually did.

I didn’t know which was worse... Her reaching out and flipping my world again, or her saying nothing at all and leaving me in this limbo, like the whole thing was yet another one-night lapse in judgment for her.

But she didn’t call. Not the next day and not even the one after. Nothing.

What did come calling though were the German tabloids that had found out I was in the country and just like that, the goddamn circus kicked off fast. Reporters started ringing the house phone, begging for quotes and answers, asking for photos, names, anything they could print.

Then the fans caught wind and they started showing up and it got out of hand real fast. I felt like a complete asshole. This family had been nothing but kind to me and my kids, and now I was bringing this insane storm to their doorstep...

And so I apologized the best I could, told them I would make it up to them somehow and the next morning I just packed our bags, got the kids dressed, grabbed the passports, shoved everything into the trunk of the waiting car and got the hell out of there before breakfast.

And yet, even with all the craziness, I couldn’t stop thinking about Lisa.

It had been three whole fucking days! Three days since she climbed onto my lap and back into my head, and wrecked me like she always did.

And now? Nothing. Not a word.

Had she changed her mind about calling me? Or had she just lied again? Used me and bounced like it was nothing?

I hated myself for even going there... I thought I was too old for this kind of shit, I thought I was smarter... But apparently, I was just the same fool I had always been when it came to her.

I sat in the backseat of the car, kids still half asleep beside me, airport signs flashing past the windows and then my phone beeped.

Just a simple text.

 

Hey, how’ve you been? Sorry I didn’t text sooner, figured you’d wanna enjoy your time with your friends but... I can’t get you out of my head. Miss you. L.

 

My heart started beating a little faster and I bit my lip, then stared out the window, pretending like I didn’t care or like it didn’t matter at all. I drew in a slow breath to keep my cool, then replied quickly before I could overthink it.

 

Been good. The situation here got totally outta hand. Had to leave. On my way to the airport.

 

I stared at the screen, my thumb still hovering over the small buttons and I hesitated for a second, maybe two, then said fuck it, and sent another one before I could stop myself.

 

Going to Venice. Wanna come with?

 

And then silence...

It took her twenty minutes to reply!

Twenty fucking ego-destroying, slow, painful minutes during which I kept checking the signal and wondering if there was a way to unsend it or somehow fake a damn butt-dial.

I was this close to throwing the phone out the window when finally, Lisa texted back.

 

Not in Germany anymore. Looking at some property near London. But sure, pizza and wine sound good :-)

 

Oh thank god... I was so fucking relieved it actually pissed me off.

I texted her the hotel name, told her I would be there for a few days and she said she might make it the next day, or the one after, depending on flights.

In all honesty, I probably didn’t even let myself believe all the way that she would really fly in but then, the next night, right after midnight, there she was... Standing outside my suite, small suitcase in one hand, a bright red umbrella in the other, flashing me that same old bashful smile like she wasn’t sure if I was going to slam the door in her face or pull her inside and kiss her.

I didn’t say much and just stepped back and let her walk past me like it wasn’t a big deal, even though my whole body was on fire just from seeing her again.

We drank some wine and talked... mainly about safe stuff... Her kids, my kids, her music, my music, the weather and I tried keeping my tone light and my face blank because this wasn’t about letting her back in my heart.

No, this was only about letting her back into my bed...

We started making out already on the couch, clothes coming off and half of them ended up on the floor before I just scooped her up into my arms.

Lisa was giggling, kissing my cheeks and jaw as I carried her to the bedroom and then, once again, we just let it happen... Her legs wrapped around me tight, as she kept whispering under her breath, begging me to fuck her already and I flipped her over and dragged her hips back into me, as she grabbed the headboard.

One hand on her lower back, the other digging into her waist, I fucked her deep and hard, over and over, until she was shaking like crazy, biting her lip to keep from crying out.

I just couldn’t stop... Even when my thighs started to burn and even when sweat dripped down my neck, and her skin turned slick beneath my hands, I kept going, chasing that feeling like it was the only damn thing in the world that made sense anymore.

We got maybe two hours of sleep, if that and by morning, I felt like I had run a marathon barefoot and drunk.

But only then came the hard part.

Lisa was still there, curled up on the far edge of the bed, asleep in one of my old shirts, meanwhile, I was pacing the room, trying to make sense of my own stupid brain.

Now what?

I hadn’t planned on her meeting the kids again. Yes, my kids, who were just across the hallway in the other suite, probably bouncing off the walls by now, counting down the minutes until our usual morning waffle ritual.

Sure, she had seen them before, but they were too little to remember any of that and I had been telling myself this whole thing with Lisa was just some dumb fling anyway. Deep down I was sure Lisa would bail sooner or later. Something tiny would piss her off and she would get her panties in a bunch, blow up, storm out, and then I wouldn’t hear from her for two, three, five years... Same damn story. Wash, rinse, repeat.

And there was no way I was going to drag my kids through that kind of crap.

But now she was here. In my space. In their space. And I had zero plan, unless you counted the half-baked idea of grabbing the kids for some impromptu trip to the mall or beach, while telling my staff to pack up Lisa’s crap and put her on the next flight back to wherever the hell she came from.

But then, all the ‘oh shit’ strategy I had been cooking up in my head crashed and burned the second the kids ran out into the hallway playing tag and caught her trying to sneak out of my suite barefoot like some B-rated movie ninja or whatever the hell she thought she was doing.

Aaargh, I wanted to choke her!

I had been hoping she would just stay in the room and buy me a little time to think... But nope. Of course not. Thanks so much, Ms. Presley.

They just stared at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed and so I sighed, swallowed the giant lump in my throat and introduced her, trying my best not to make it weird. After all, kids their age had the attention span of a fruit fly and I was sure they would ignore her the moment something more interesting appeared.

But of course, that’s not how it went...

Next thing I knew, they were asking if Lisa wanted to join us for waffles, promising her there would be chocolate chips and whipped cream, like those were the things she had shown up for.

Right...

Three pairs of wide, eager eyes stared up at her and she glanced at me, unsure, like she was waiting for a sign it was okay to stay, not wanting to cross some line.

Was it a good idea?

Probably not.

But I was too damn tired to figure it out. I bit my lip, exhaled, and gave her a small nod.

Screw it.

The second she saw that, Lisa smiled, turned back to the kids, and thanked them for the invite, saying there was no way she could say no to chocolate and whipped cream, making them cheer. And just like that, she was in and it didn’t matter that I had spent years building this wall around them and trying to keep things neat and safe. No, that wall came down fast, brick by brick, collapsing in the span of one stupid morning there in Venice. Lisa was a natural with kids and they loved her right from the get go and then the day kind of spiraled from there... in a good way, somehow.

We played board games, built a fort in one of the rooms, and ordered the best pizza in town for lunch.

It was fun. A lot of fun. And that scared the shit out of me.

By the time I got them all tucked in later that night, I was wiped out but when I walked back into my room and saw her in the bathroom, barefoot, wearing one of those soft white hotel robes, all that exhaustion went straight out the window.

She was standing at the sink, brushing out her hair, and I walked over slowly, stepped behind her without a word, caught her eyes in the mirror, and leaned down to kiss her neck.

Lisa sighed and melted into me and my hands slid around her waist untying the robe slowly, letting it slip off her shoulders and fall to the floor before I glanced at us in the mirror and got hit with that moment of awe.

God, she was beautiful...

Then Lisa just turned around, her eyes on mine, already tugging at my shirt before her fingers moved to my jeans, and a minute later, we were both naked and stumbling into the shower like we couldn’t stand another second apart.

The sex was fast and slick as I pressed her back against the tiles and she moaned into my shoulder, her legs wrapped around my waist again. I could barely hold her up, both of us slipping, laughing, panting, her mouth everywhere, my jaw, my neck, my shoulders, until we both came hard and I had to grip the bar on the wall to stay upright.

And yet, I kept pretending this was still just some harmless fling.

After we both had come down from that high, I had set her back down on her feet carefully while she buried her face in my shoulder, her warm breath still shaky against my skin as the water kept pouring down over us.

“I love you so much, Michael.” She whispered again and I did hear it, just like I did the last time, and still, I stayed quiet, though I swear I pulled her in a little closer.

We opened a bottle of wine after that and just sat on the couch wrapped in the robes and some blankets, picking through a spread of ridiculously overpriced cheese and crackers and sipping the wine while watching old cartoons. We were half-wrapped in the blankets and half-in each other’s arms, laughing at the dumbest things, and every so often, Lisa would nuzzle into my shoulder, kiss the corner of my mouth, or run her fingers lightly down my neck and every time she did, it sent a fucking shiver through me.

I tried to play it cool, but the truth was, I didn’t want that moment to end. She made me feel weirdly safe, kissing me between sips of wine and stealing my crackers just to feed them back to me with that smug little grin. But then, just as I thought we were done for the night, I caught her glancing over her shoulder, eyeing the pool table in the corner of the suite and when she looked back at me, her eyebrows arched playfully. Then she stood, slipped off her robe without a word, and walked across the room like she knew full well I was watching her every step.

Oh, I fucking loved her style...

And so seconds later I was already bending her over the felt and taking her from behind while she gasped and gripped the edge, her hair falling in her face. She was so fucking hot it was unreal and I could swear the way she clenched around me made everything else fade away. We knocked over half the balls, sent the cue flying, but neither of us gave a shit and it didn’t take long before I had her moaning with her face pressed to the felt, clenching around me while I held onto her hips, thrusting deep and slow, savoring every sound she made. She came hard, gasping my name, and I wasn’t far behind, burying myself deep and falling apart right after her.

Then, a few minutes later, we were somehow back on the couch, tangled up again, already popping open bottle number two before she rested her head against my shoulder and her fingers started tracing circles over my stomach. I brushed a stray hair from her face, tracing her cheek with my thumb before she looked up at me and whatever this was, was slipping into something too fucking dangerous.

Whoever this woman was, she wasn’t the Lisa I used to know. Not all the way, anyway... She was this, Lisa 2.0, if you asked me... Still her and still carrying every trait that had ever pulled me in, her fire, her wit and that raw spark that was uniquely her, but now there was also this softness in her, some kind of steadiness I didn’t remember.

And every time she touched me or kissed me, it was like she was pouring a kind of quiet into me I had needed so much.

Back in Hamburg, she had promised to give me time and said she would do anything to earn my trust again. And for once, it seemed like it wasn’t just empty words.

She really didn’t push.

Not once did she ask where this was going or pull that “I’m fine” crap while clearly being anything but, and that really threw me, hard.

There were no hard questions, no pressure, just her warm, pliant body against me and she was sweet, scary sweet.

The next morning, Lisa had to leave, though.

I didn’t want to admit how much it sucked, watching her pack up her things while the kids hung around her like she was freaking Disneyland.

Prince kept asking if she really had to go, Paris straight-up pouted and told her it wouldn’t be fun without her like I didn’t exist anymore, while Blanket wrapped his little arms around her leg like a goddamn koala making me feel almost invisible.

Lisa hugged them all, kissed their heads and told them she would try to see them soon, maybe back in the States when we came to visit, and then I walked her to the elevators on our floor quietly.

She stopped right in front of the doors and turned toward me, and then, ever so casually, she reached up and fixed the collar of my shirt, her fingers brushing my neck and lingering for half a second longer than necessary, and I felt that familiar burn on my skin.

“Thanks, handsome...” She said with a smile, dragging her hand down my chest. “For the lovely Italian getaway. Especially the part where you railed me over every piece of furniture in that suite.”

I choked out a laugh before I could stop it while she grinned at me and for a second, all I could think about was dragging her back into my bedroom and making her moan my name again.

Just one more night... that was all I needed.

Yeah... right.

I looked at her, gently brushing a stray hair behind her ear, and this time I was the one asking.

“Can I call you?”

She tilted her head, her eyes holding mine and then she gave an almost shy smile and nodded.

“I’d be sad if you didn’t.”

She asked if I was heading back to Bahrain, while her fingers kept tracing little circles on the inside of my wrist, and I nodded.

“Tomorrow... Early flight.” I said and then cleared my throat nervously before I choked out. “You wanna come see us?”

“I’d love to...” She said softly, her eyes dropping for a second. “But I don’t know when I’d be able to make it work. I have some meetings in the upcoming weeks and I was hoping to take the kids to Hawaii for a few weeks too... I miss them like crazy, you know.”

I felt that stupid sting of disappointment rising up again, but before I could twist it into something bitter, she added... “I’ll call you when I land, okay?”

Then she glanced down both ends of the hallway, making sure it was just us there and then stood on her toes to kiss me. Just a quick one, barely a taste but if she thought that was going to be enough, she was about to find out otherwise.

I grabbed her waist, pulled her against me, and kissed her deep, one of my hands sliding into her hair while hers clenched the front of my shirt, my tongue tangling with hers.

Then she pulled back, breathless, her lips red and wet and way too fucking tempting, and she hit the elevator button without taking her eyes off me. Her hand was still holding mine when the doors dinged open, and she didn’t let go until the last second.

One last look, one last smile.

And then she was gone.

The doors closed and I was left standing there, staring at my own reflection in the shiny metal panel, feeling like someone had scooped my guts out and left me hollow all over again.

“I’ll miss you, Lise...” I allowed myself to say out loud when I knew she couldn’t hear me anymore...

The next day, we flew back too and that’s when it all turned to hell because now it wasn’t just my brain fucking with me, not just memories of Lisa sneaking up on me like ghosts every time I turned the lights off or got into bed alone, now it was the kids too, asking about her constantly.

Was she coming to visit?

Could they call her?

Where was she?

And so I even texted her a few times just to give them something, telling myself it was for them and not me.

Liar.

She would reply every time... short, sweet texts that didn’t ask for anything and didn’t push and for some crazy, inexplicable reason it drove me fucking insane.

Lisa wasn’t chasing me and she wasn’t trying to define anything. No, she was just being there, in the background of my day, slipping into my head when I wasn’t paying attention and god, I was so damn horny it hurt, and all I wanted was to have her close, touch her and have her in my arms again.

Yeah, I fucking missed her so much... There, I said it.

We kept in touch in the upcoming weeks.  Short calls and random texts here and there but then the calls started getting longer.

Sometimes they were light and easy, her voice all sleepy and sweet while she asked about my day, other times they would take a dirty turn, and I would be alone in my bed, her voice in my ear, whispering all the shit she wanted to do to me next time she saw me.

I would be hard in seconds, stroking myself while she moaned and giggled and teased the hell out of me from the other side of the world, and on the nights when we didn’t talk dirty, we just... talked. Random stuff. Life, music, kids, but then she would trail off mid-sentence and just pass out on me, her breath going all soft and rhythmic, and I, like a complete idiot, would sit there holding the damn phone, listening to her breathe like some lovesick fool.

She was getting under my skin fast and there was not much point in denying that.

And then, finally, the next month, Lisa flew in. Just for a week and alone, leaving Riley and Ben with Danny who couldn’t stand the idea of them ditching school for a few days.

Prince, Paris and Blanket were over the moon the second she walked through the door and well... so was I, especially once the lights went out and the kids were asleep, and it was just us again.

Lisa would crawl into my lap and ride me with her hair falling in her face, breathing my name like a prayer and biting my shoulder when she came or I would take her up against the wall, on the couch, bent over the bathroom sink just so I could watch the look on her face in the mirror while I fucked her.

Seven days of nothing but magic. Pure bliss...

I could have tried fooling myself all I wanted, but it wasn’t just the sex anymore and when she had to leave again, I truly hated it and hated myself even more for once again feeling that way about her.

Then came June, and I had to fly to London for some business I couldn’t wiggle out of. Boring stuff I didn’t care about at all and yet I wasn’t all that bothered, because I had made sure to sneak a little pleasure into that business trip, too.

Yes, Lisa was meeting me there.

I had decided to leave the kids with the nannies and the rest of my staff, not wanting to drag them across the damn world again for the hundredth time, and just jumped on the plane, landing at Heathrow around eight in the morning. I didn’t even get a chance to drink one freaking coffee before I was shoved straight into meetings and media crap, but honestly, I didn’t give a shit about any of it. All I could think about was Lisa’s plane landing later that night and having her in my arms in just a few hours... and just the thought of seeing her again had me borderline twitching.

But of course, things didn’t go exactly the way I had planned. After a long-ass day of smiling through bullshit and pretending to care, I found myself pacing around my hotel room with my phone in hand, checking the time every two goddamn minutes like a psycho. I swear I must have walked the same circle a hundred times, my stomach in knots, just spiraling.

Not only Lisa was late but also her phone was off. No text. No call. Nothing. What if she hadn’t even gotten on the plane? What if she had just stayed home, deciding she had had enough of me and our little “fun on the side” arrangement?

And that’s when it hit me. Just how far gone I was. How deep I had fallen into this thing again, like I hadn’t learned a single goddamn thing...

Then, finally, a knock.

I jogged over and damn near ripped the door off its hinges, my heart hammering, and there she was, a little out of breath, probably about to explain the delay but I didn’t care.

I didn’t let her say one word and I just grabbed her and pulled her in, kissing her like I had been holding my fucking breath for weeks, like if I didn’t get my hands on her I might actually combust. Lisa laughed against my mouth softly but I didn’t stop kissing her even then...

I scooped her up, kicked the door shut behind her and carried her across the room still kissing her, still holding her tight, and she kept laughing, calling me crazy, but her arms were around my neck and her mouth was already back on mine, just as desperate.

By the time we made it to the bedroom and I laid her down on the bed, we were already halfway undressed, with my pants around my ankles and her skirt riding high, panties shoved to the side, our hands everywhere and I was inside her in seconds, gasping and moaning in her ear.

Her breath was hot on my neck, whispering how much she missed me, how good I felt, how badly she needed me, and I swear I was still trying to play it cool but I was already gone... So far fucking gone it wasn’t even funny.

As usual, we didn’t sleep much that night, and somewhere in the dark, in between all the gasps and all the heat and her voice in my ear, I knew it.

I was completely, absolutely fucked. I wanted her back, all the way, not just a weekend here and a short getaway there, not just when it was convenient or easy.

I wanted her back... all her craziness, her mood swings, the ups and the downs, the way she would throw those pouting fits that used to drive me up the wall. I wanted it all back.

Then August rolled around and I had promised my mother I would bring the kids home for a bit. She hadn’t seen them in over a year, not since I packed us all up and left, and I figured I owed her that much at least. And so we went.

We spent a few days at Havenhurst, the kids running wild with their cousins, tearing up the backyard like it was their personal racetrack while I sat at the dining table with my mother, Joseph, and a rotating cast of brothers, sisters and other people who dropped in to check out the long lost brother returning from exile.

But on the 29th, I had other plans, and the best part? Nobody seemed to give a shit.

The kids didn’t even blink when I told them I would be gone for the night. In fact, they were way too caught up building blanket forts with their cousins and arguing over video games to even fake an ounce of concern when I asked if they were cool staying with Grandma and Grandpa. Honestly, I was kind of relieved... I didn’t have to deal with the guilt of sneaking off to Lisa’s place and just grabbed my stuff and walked out.

Of course, the second I had known I would be back in the States for more than a week, I had called her.

Couldn’t help it.

I had told myself it was just to give her a heads-up but the truth was that I needed to see her again so bad it hurt.

It had been too damn long since June, since those three stupidly perfect days and nights we spent together, just making out, making love, talking and half-watching bad movies with a bottle of booze between us... And honestly, the time apart was pure, undiluted hell. I had gone from holding her in London to lying alone in that stupid hotel suite in Bahrain, wide awake, craving her like a drug.

And so when I casually mentioned my flight back home after one random, steamy phone sex session late one night, Lisa actually offered for me to spend my birthday with her. She said she hated the idea of me being alone on a day my family never really made a big deal about, and honestly, I thought that was kind of sweet.

Halfway there, however, my phone buzzed.

 

Hey Mike, I’m so sorry... had to run some quick errands, didn’t plan it well, and now I’m stuck in fucking traffic. If you get there before me, just go in, okay? Security knows you’re coming. I’ll be right there. L.

 

I frowned. I had been kind of hoping she would be waiting for me when I got there. Preferably naked and preferably already on the bed with that look in her eyes, but whatever. I could wait... A few minutes wasn’t going to kill me.

Ten minutes later, the car pulled up in front of the familiar gate and one of her security guys strolled up, nodded, muttered something into his radio, and the gate slid open. We drove down the familiar driveway, the same house I used to know like the back of my hand and then I got out, walked to the door and reached under the mat for the key.

I stepped inside and closed the door behind me cautiously. I hadn’t been in Lisa’s house in years, but it was like nothing had really changed. And it still felt like home, almost like I had never left.

I made my way to the kitchen and right there, sitting on the island was this massive glass vase filled with sunflowers, at least twenty of them, bright yellow and reaching for the light. I gasped and just stood there, staring at them, a grin creeping onto my face.

Wow, had she gotten those for me?

Then, my eyes moved and I saw the plate next to them.

Cookies. Or, well, something like cookies.... They were lumpy and uneven, a few looking half-burned, others barely holding shape but they did smell good.

I walked over, picked up the most normal-looking one and turned it over in my hand, half tempted to take a little taste, before I noticed the papers neatly stacked on the other side of the island.

It looked like some kind of transcript, PR stuff and I almost ignored it, until I caught my name from the corner of my eye and everything in me just... froze.

I stepped closer and grabbed the top sheet scanning the header.

Star Magazine.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Why would she waste her time with that garbage?

My fingers tightened around the page and I knew I shouldn’t have read it but hey.. it looked like one of those pre-authorization interviews with Lisa’s notes still scribbled in the margins, edits and crossed-out sections everywhere and... and interviews were public, right?

It started off light, the usual questions about her childhood, her dad, Graceland and growing up in the South. I smiled a little when she talked about Elvis, and all the dumb stunts she used to pull, terrorizing the poor house staff like some pint-sized outlaw in pigtails. But of course, it didn’t stay sweet for long.

They asked about August 16th, her drug abuse, and then, inevitably, the marriages, focusing on that one in particular.

Jesus Christ.

Every single fucking time!

It didn’t matter how much time had passed or how many times she tried to laugh it off, dodge it or steer the conversation somewhere else... No, they always circled back and Lisa, being Lisa, did what she always did when she got cornered.

She threw on the armor and started tossing out all those little jabs about me, just enough to keep her footing and to remind herself she still had control.

I had learned not to take her interviews too seriously, knowing damn well half of it was just smoke and mirrors, half-defense, half-survival instinct with a side of middle finger. But still... I read on.

 

Q: Talking about your most famous ex-husband. He’s had quite a crazy couple of years. Do you ever regret being associated with him still? Like, maybe it stigmatized you?

A: Oh gosh, here we go again. But alright, I’ll bite. No, I don’t regret it. Not even a little. And honestly? The only thing that ever felt stigmatizing was people constantly asking crap like this... like I should be ashamed of loving him or something.

 

 

My eyebrows lifted. Wow, for real?

I let out a low breath and kept reading.

 

Q: Okay, but seriously... after all the chaos he’s dragged around for years, you really do not regret marrying him? I mean, you couldn’t have honestly believed this was "happily ever after” material, right? Everybody could see it was a disaster waiting to happen.

A: Jesus... Can we just move on?  (scoffs) No, there’s no regret about it. We loved each other, no matter what anyone thought or said. If anything, the people around us made it damn near impossible to make it work, and the only thing I regret is not trying harder. Not fighting more. That haunts me every single day. That’s all I can say about this.

 

My throat clenched, and I swallowed hard, caught completely off guard. I was not expecting that at all.

 

Q: Wow, really? Well, I’m just asking because over the past decade, you made it seem like he was your biggest regret... if nothing else, it fueled the belief of some people that the whole thing was a stunt right from the get-go.

A: Look, I don’t know what else people still want to hear... I’ve always been crystal clear. Our marriage was as real as it gets. People can think whatever the hell they want, but I don’t have the time or energy to babysit their opinions. Michael and I know what we had. And honestly, I was the happiest I’ve ever been with him. Never felt that way before... and never since.

 

Say what?

 

Q: Interesting... and so, are you two still in touch? Friendly, or...?

A: Yeah, we talk. We’re friendly. We hang out sometimes, actually. I really like having him around. He still has that unpredictable energy that keeps things interesting. Maybe there’s more to it than just friendship, I don’t know... but hey, don’t quote me on that. And yes, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now.

 

I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath until I heard someone clear their throat behind me and I whipped around so fast it was a miracle I didn’t crack my neck.

Lisa was standing in the doorway, her eyes watching me with that weird blend of amusement and caution, one brow raised almost like she had caught me rifling through her teenage diary.

“Glad you found something to entertain yourself with while waiting...” She mumbled, motioning toward the papers with her chin and I dropped them like they burned me and backed away from the kitchen island as fast as I could.

“I’m sorry, Mike.” She went on before stepping into the room and setting a big paper box down on the counter. “They always make me talk about you. I swear, I try dodging the fucking questions, but they’re relentless... Idiots.”

Honestly, I had no idea why she was saying she was sorry. I must have looked pissed or something but the truth was I couldn’t have cared less about the interview, the reporters, or any of that tabloid trash, none of it mattered after what I had just read, and definitely not after everything I had been carrying around for way too long.

I crossed the kitchen in three fast steps, grabbed her face in both hands, and kissed her hard, making her gasp into my mouth. My tongue slid against hers and she tasted like mango juice and mint and something sweeter underneath I couldn’t quite place, and my head spun so fast I didn’t even know which way was up anymore.

I pulled back just enough to look at her, both of us breathing hard, dazed as hell, still reeling.

“I love you...” I blurted out, barely recognizing my own voice and her eyes went wide. “I love you so damn much, Lise. You have no idea...”

Stunned silence... and then...

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” I nodded, kissed her again, then pulled back and grinned at her. “Eight months ago, I swear to god, I was fantasizing about choking you out with my bare hands, then pushing you in front of a bus and flipping you off while walking away, girl.”

Her eyebrows shot up and she blinked, and then just stared at me, her mouth twitching like she was trying not to laugh.

“Wow, smooth as hell. That’s some next-level charm right there, if you ask me. By all means, go on.”

“Gladly. I’ve been holding this crap in for fucking months now.” I smiled and slid my hand to the back of her neck and pulled her in, resting my lips on her forehead for a second. Then I pulled back, took a deep breath and went on. “You know, Lisa, you have this annoying talent for sneaking back into my world when I least expect it. I don’t get how you do it, and honestly, it kinda pisses me off but here I am again, completely caught up in you. You played it smart, and damn, you won. I’m... I’m yours. No use fighting it anymore.”

And then I kissed her again before she could say anything and I felt her melting into me. A minute later I broke the kiss and lifted her up onto the counter, stepping between her legs while my hands slid under her skirt and met warm skin and soft curves that made my whole body buzz.

I kissed her neck, then the spot just under her ear that always made her shiver and just like clockwork, she did, right before she whispered in my ear...

“Well, I’m relieved you skipped the whole strangling and bus thing... Oh, and by the way... Happy birthday, Mike. I’m sorry that I was late. And that I totally fucked up the chocolate chip cookies I tried baking for you.”

I pulled back, blinking at her before I glanced over at the plate again and had to choke back a laugh.

“You made those for me? Really? I mean they look like they’ve been through a nuclear holocaust but... but I appreciate the effort.”

Lisa cracked up and leaned in to kiss me again.

“Yeah... but they’re useless... So I ran to the store and got you a real birthday cake.” She mumbled against my lips and then nodded toward the box on the other side of the counter but I couldn’t have given less of a shit about the cake or the cookies.

“I want you back, Lise. No friends-with-benefits bullshit or whatever half-assed thing we’ve been doing the last six months. Fuck that.” I kissed her quickly, then pulled back just enough to look at her, to make sure she was really hearing me. “I want you... if you’ll have me.”

She smiled and I saw the way her eyes shimmered with tears as she held my gaze, her mouth twitching like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to cry or laugh.

“I never really let you go, Michael.”

“Just don’t break my heart, girl... please. I swear I’m fragile and I’m not sure I could survive it.” I mumbled against her warm lips before I leaned into her and closed my eyes, resting my head in the crook of her neck.

“Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I love you so much." 

The car slowed and pulled over right in front of the house and I unbuckled, swung the door open, and stepped out. The pavement was still warm under my shoes, the heat lingering even as the sun dipped low, while behind me, the driver climbed out, jogging around to the trunk before popping it open.

He started pulling out my suitcase but I stopped him with a small shake of my head.

“You sure you want to carry that yourself, sir?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah... I think I can handle it. You’ve earned your evening off... go home to your wife, tell her I said she’s a saint.”

He chuckled, gave me a grateful nod, and shut the trunk as I grabbed the suitcase and started up the driveway, dragging it behind me.

The air was sticky and warm, the evening light painting the world amber, and I closed my eyes, taking it all in like a shot of sweet whiskey.

Funny how California had finally made peace with me. Or maybe I had just stopped fighting it.

Ten months ago, I packed the kids, burned every bridge I had left in the Middle East, and moved back to be with Lisa... and I hadn’t looked back since.

I pushed the front door open and stepped inside, leaving the suitcase in the hallway before I made it to the kitchen, stepping over a stray shoe and a forgotten toy.  I opened the back door and walked out into the yard.

There, beyond the grass, the orchard stretched out in neat rows, trees shimmering in the fading light and I heard voices echoing through the air, laughter and shouts and I headed toward the sound.

Closer now, I saw Prince, Paris, and Blanket totally caught up in some wild game but the second they spotted me, they stopped and ran straight to me.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

I dropped down onto one knee and caught them all in my arms.

“Gosh, I missed you, guys. How have you been?”

“Good!”

“We missed you!”

“You bring us anything good?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Depends. Did you behave?”

They all nodded way too fast and I laughed but just then, two more voices called out my name.

“Michael!”

I looked up to see Riley and Ben waving at me and strolling up from the orchard path, smiling and when they got close enough, I pulled them in too, wrapping my arms around their shoulders and hugging them both tight.

“Missed you guys.”

“We missed you too...”

And then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught something else moving behind the trees.

Lisa.

She stepped into the clearing, barefoot in the grass, wearing a plain white dress that fluttered just a little in the breeze. Her hair was tied back in a loose braid, strands falling around her face, and there was something about her that just took my breath away.

The kids scattered back to their game, their laughter fading somewhere behind me as Lisa walked toward me and when she got close, I reached out instinctively, letting the back of my fingers brush her cheek softly.

“Hey, princess.”

She smiled up at me, eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Welcome home, handsome.”

I leaned down and kissed her softly and she sighed, her fingers slipping up to the sides of my face and traced my jaw gently before I felt her moan quietly against my mouth, a warm little sound that made me tighten my arms around her.

“I missed you so much.” She whispered when we finally pulled apart, her thumb brushing the edge of my chin.

“I missed you more, girl. You have no idea.”

She reached up and pushed a stray lock of my hair off my forehead, smiling again.

“So... how’d the meetings go? Did they push back?”

I shook my head. “Nah. They signed off on everything. No drama.”

“That’s... that’s really good.” She said softly. “I’m so proud of you.”

I kissed her forehead and then let my hand fall gently to her stomach, letting my fingers trace the curve of her bump.

“How’ve you two been?” I asked and she looked into my eyes and smiled again, her whole face softening this time.

God, I loved seeing her like this.

“Good. The worst of the stupid nausea passed and I can finally eat something that’s not just burnt toast and sad crackers.”

“Good.” I chuckled. “Anyways, no more business trips for a while. I’m all yours now, foot rubs, snack cravings, weird midnight requests, I got you, girl. Just say the word.”

“I don’t need anything. I’m just glad you’re home...”

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, baby.” I said, kissed her again and then wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin gently on top of her head closing my eyes and soaking in the moment.

Finally, against all odds, I had something I never even dared to hope for.

And fuck, was I thankful.

 

 

THE END